Opening Doors
by jane0904
Summary: Continuing the Mal/Inara storyline. After Miranda, Mal and Inara have come to a tentative understanding. This is what happened next ... Please review, good or bad. With LADDERS this is now complete, but an NC17 FINALE to follow separately.
1. Mal

_What the hell do I do now_? Mal asked himself, sitting on the bridge of the ship that had been his home for more than six years now. _It's been nearly three months since Wash … and Book … Zoe's hardly come out of her bunk 'cept to eat and work, Jayne's been working out every hour he can, trying to put the Preacher out of his mind … only ones seem anywhere near happy are Kaylee and the Doc, and that's mainly 'cause they're spending all their time grappling with each other._

He lifted one booted foot to rest on the console. _It's good that River's better, I mean that's a good thing. Nearly got myself split to do it, but … and the whole 'verse knows now about Miranda. Might put a firework up the collective Alliance pigu, but somehow I ain't got the faith it'll do much more than fizz a little then go out. Big things like the Alliance tend to weather the storm. Just wait for it to go away, til the next big thing comes along to fill the Cortex and take everyone's mind off the millions of people who died …_

Lifting his hand, he rubbed the bridge of his nose. The headache was still there, had been for a while. Maybe he should go see the doctor for a painkiller, knock it out once and for all, only the thought of walking in on the pair of them … _Ain't gonna do that. Not again. Least, not for a while. Too much flesh on display._ He shuddered at the memory.

Someone put their hands on his shoulders, and he realised he was too tired to care who it was.

"If'n you gonna kill me, do it quick," he said. "Kinda ain't got the wherewithal to worry about it too much."

"Not going to kill you, captain," River said softly, massaging the knots in his muscles.

"Oh, that's …" He groaned. "How the hell'd you learn how to do that?" he asked, his eyes closing a little.

"I know what you need. See what you need. And you need her."

His eyes flew open. "Need who, little albatross?"

"She's waiting for you. Has been for three months."

"Well, I've been here. Not like I was gonna be anywhere else."

She took her hands away and sat down in the other seat, shaking her head sadly at him. "It won't change unless you change it," she said softly, pulling her bare feet up under her.

"Why's it up to me?" he asked, knowing he sounded whiny. "Why can't she take the first step?"

"She did. She didn't go home."

"Home?"

"The Training House." River tipped her head and looked at him like a bird eyeing up a worm. "You know she hasn't taken a client in months."

"No?" He wasn't sure. She just seemed to be around a lot.

"Not even before you rescued her."

"Really."

River stared at him, her eyes dark. "She needs you."

"Then why hasn't she said?"

"Circles. Going round in circles and you always end up where you began, with nothing." She pointed to the door. "Go and talk to her. It might never be anything, but you have to see. Otherwise the day will come and you will be saying goodbye for the last time and there will be nothing left."

"You … you think she'll go again?"

"What does she have to stay for?"

"River, it ain't that easy –"

"It is." She stood up and took his hand, pulling him to his feet. "Tell her."

"No. Look, I tried, before, but –"

"Then try again." She turned him around and gave him a gentle push. "I'll look after the ship, captain. You look after your heart."

-x-

He stood outside the shuttle doorway, his usual confidence sadly lacking. _This ain't the way to do things, Malcolm,_ he said to himself. _You ain't been like this since you went to ask Cally to the box social. Even though she slapped you right across the face._ He had to smile a little. _Should never've tried to kiss her too._

"Captain?" Kaylee called from down in the bay.

He glanced down. "Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"Shiny."

"Only you been standing there a long time."

"Didn't realise anyone was timing me."

"She's in there."

"Who?"

"Inara."

"Who said I was –"

"Captain."

He shrugged. "Well, maybe I was. Ain't you got some work to be getting on with?"

"Been doing it." She smiled. "You'd better knock." She waved at him, just the fingers of one hand, then wandered towards the infirmary.

_Prob'ly gonna go sex up the doc_, the thought ran through his mind. _And tell him the captain's standing like a fool outside his own shuttle._

He knocked.

"_Ching gin_." Her voice, always surprising him with its lightness, wafted from inside the small vessel and did something to his ears.

He stepped inside. "Inara?"

She turned from the small Cortex screen set into the bulkhead, pulling the hanging across it as she did so. For once he didn't feel odd that she was setting up clients and didn't want him to see, not if what River had said was true. It was just a natural action for her, covering over anything that intruded into the careful setting she had created.

"What can I do for you, Captain?" she asked, her chin lifting slightly, as if she was just waiting for him to say something unnecessarily harsh.

"I … ah … just thought you'd like to know we'll be landing on Boros in about three hours."

"Yes."

"Plenty of time for you to make some plans. Pick up a few new acquaintances."

"I … yes, I could."

He looked at her, her dark hair spilling over her shoulders, her dress low and fitted. _Only woman on board don't mind showing some cleavage, and it …_ He stomped on the thought. "Only you ain't exactly been busy lately."

"Well, we've been out in the borders."

"Remedy that here."

He watched the soft tide of a blush rise up her creamy skin, and tried not to smile. _Maybe River has the right of it_.

She gathered herself. "Would you like some tea?" she asked, indicating the small galley. "I was just going to make some."

"Oh … yeah. Please. That would … um … be nice."

She looked surprised.

_Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I never accept tea. Well, maybe things are gonna change around here. _He looked around the shuttle, at all the appurtenances of her profession. The red satin sofa, the brass-topped table, the row of candles he'd never seen lit, the cupboards set against the wall. _Ain't even gonna wonder what's in them_, he thought._ What'd a woman like her need any kinda aid for anyway?_

"Will you sit?" the woman in question asked.

"Oh, yeah, thanks." He lowered himself carefully to the sofa, feeling like he might slide off at any moment. He watched her gather cups from one of those very cupboards, placing them on a small tray before going to heat the water. "You … you look very pretty today," he managed to say. "You done something to your hair?"

The kettle clanged against the heating ring.

"I … no, it's … thank you."

Mal smiled. _Something as simple as a compliment and it throws her. Maybe she ain't used to the real thing._ He put his head back on the sofa and closed his eyes, listening to her busying herself. He could imagine the caddy being opened, the spoon going inside to lift the fragrant leaves out, hot water being …

She carried the tray out into the main area, then stopped. He was asleep, his head back, those disconcerting blue eyes of his closed. Putting the tray down as quietly as possible, she crossed the rug to him. His mouth was slightly open, and she wondered if he snored. Carefully, gently so as not to wake him, she put her hands under his head and shoulders, laying him down on the sofa. She lifted his legs up, and he snuffled in his sleep. Over the last few months, he'd not slept properly, she knew that, keeping an eye on everyone, especially Zoe. It was his turn.

"Nx," he muttered, crossing his arms but not waking.

He looked so sweet, all vulnerable and open, and Inara couldn't help it. She bent down and pressed her lips onto his, just a fleeting kiss to taste him. She wondered why it always had to be when he was either asleep or unconscious. With a sigh she stood straight, taking her tea to sit on her bed so she could watch him without waking him.

His lips curved. _Maybe that little albatross ain't wrong after all,_ he considered, then let himself drift into dreams.

-x-


	2. Inara

Inara watched him sleeping, and wondered yet again at herself. _I've been on this ship for so long, I thought I'd seen everything. But he's here, asleep in my shuttle._ She shook her head. _And he looks like a little boy._

She sat down on the sofa, far enough away from him not to wake him, but close enough to study him. Perversely glad his eyes were closed, she could still summon their blue from memory, the way they darkened when he was mad at her, when they were arguing over some little nothing that had blown up out of all proportion. Like those dolls. _People love those!_ She smiled. _Oh, Mal, you have no taste whatsoever._

His hair needed a cut, she could see that. Perhaps she should offer. Although whether it would be possible to make him sit still long enough to even put the towel around his neck, let along get close to him with a pair of sharp scissors … well, that was something she'd have to plan. Perhaps get Kaylee involved. If she could be dragged away from the young doctor.

Right now, though, his bangs were falling into his eyes. More than once she'd seen him push them back, mostly when they were running for their lives from someone determined to end them, but once in a while when he thought no-one was looking.

She was always looking, but not when he could see. _Does he know I watch him?_

He mumbled in his sleep, turning his body a little so she could see his back. _Such a strong back_. With that curve down to … She remembered seeing it in its entirety in the desert, when Saffron had abandoned him, and although she didn't say, would never say, it compared very favourably to many she'd seen. _A few more scars, perhaps … _and there were more now. And scars mental, too.

He didn't talk about Wash. _Not surprising, when you consider what they'd been through. How did they survive? When he won't tell me what happened, that it was so bad, how did they come out in relatively one piece?_ When Zoe came back with Wash, and just that bit of Mal … Inara shivered. _I thought he was going to die. And I couldn't tell him how I felt._

Mal snuffled in his sleep, just a word leaking out. "'Nara."

She smiled. _I wonder what he's dreaming about. If it's a good dream. Perhaps our kiss?_ She tasted her lips and hoped so. _Although if it's about us, we're probably fighting. Oh, Mal. I don't want to fight with you. I want …_

He scratched his neck, and pulled his legs higher.

_I should have made him take his boots off. If he tears the satin …_ She smiled indulgently. _It's only a thing. It doesn't mean what you think it does. That's what River says, isn't it? Just a thing. Not like the man. This man who I've wanted to –_

"I ain't in my bunk," Mal said quietly.

"Ah, no."

He rolled over onto his back, only just stopping himself for sliding onto the floor. He looked at her. "Did I … did I fall asleep?"

"You did." She let her lips curl a little.

"How long?"

"Not long."

"Right." He struggled into a sitting position, then ran his hands through his hair.

"I could trim that for you," she offered. "If you'd like."

He looked surprised. "You think I need a cut?"

"Only a little."

"Oh. Well …"

"I mean, I'm sure Jayne would offer, but he might make more of a mess of it than me."

"No, that's …" He seemed flustered. "Look, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to impose on you like this."

"It was no imposition, Mal."

"It's just … ain't been sleeping all that well for a while. Not what with the stuff's been going on."

"I understand."

He stood up. "Better get back to my own bunk."

She took a deep breath. "You … don't have to go."

"I … I don't?"

"If you want you can sleep here. You looked so peaceful."

"Sleep here. With you."

She couldn't help the small smile. "Not _with_ me, Mal. But on the sofa. Only I think you should take your boots off first."

He stared at her, as if he was calculating. "Well …"

"I mean, you said we were landing on Boros soon. So a short nap might not be a bad idea."

"Oh, yeah." He nodded. "Boros."

"So you could stay."

His blue eyes gazed into her soul. "Not sure that's a good idea, 'Nara. I stay and we'll probably end up cussing each other."

"I don't cuss," she pointed out.

"I do. Something fierce. And as it's been such a nice visit, I don't really want to spoil it."

"Oh." She felt let down. "Of course."

"Though, I'd kinda like to say …" He licked his lips, and she wished his tongue were on hers. "I guess I just want you to know I'm glad you didn't go back to the training house. You know, after Miranda."

She felt the blush creep up her skin, a warmth suffusing her. "Thank you, Mal. I'm glad I didn't go either."

He grinned, and her heart flipped. "Think I'd better go before I open my mouth too wide and jump in with both feet." He backed up and nearly knocked over the small table by the door. "Sorry," he said, stopping a bronze plate from falling just in time.

She smiled at him. "That's okay."

He turned to go.

_No._

Crossing the floor quickly, she put her hand on his arm. He looked down at her in surprise, which turned to astonishment as she lifted her face and kissed him, just gently, on the lips. Nothing more, just pressure that burned more than the fires of hell.

"'Nara …"

"You'd better go," she said, stepping back. "But if you want to talk later …"

He nodded, and she realised he was blushing.


	3. Zoe

She'd put them away so often, but every time got them out again. _Stupid things. Why'd you ever start playing with 'em? Some kind of reversion to childhood?_ She stared at the T-Rex. _Maybe I should just space you. Get you out of here._

She tossed it away from her, hearing it hit the bulkhead but not looking where it fell. _Every time I asked you why, you just looked at me and waggled those eyebrows. Sometimes I coulda hit you for that. Wanted to hold you down and make you tell me, only every time I tried we ended up doing something else. It was a game._

She lay back on their bed …_ her_ bed. _Why does it have to take so long?_ _Why do I still have to hurt like this? _Days were easier, keeping busy, seeing Jayne didn't break anything or anyone, least, not unless he was told to, going on jobs with Mal, getting the coin to keep flying. But having to watch Kaylee and Simon, coming on them draped around each other, mouths locked … it opened up the wound in the centre of her chest just as painfully as if it was her body the stake had gone through.

_Wash, why did you have to die?_

At least they hadn't made love on the bridge yet. Not that she was aware. That was her spot. Her and Wash's. _Mal complained so often that is smelled of sex. If only he knew._ She smiled a little. _If you'd known where me and Wash had coupled, the places we'd made love, you'd be tearing your hair out._

Like the time Mal and the others had gone out to that bar on Greenleaf. They'd stayed behind, giving the reason that Wash had to tweak one of the sensors that had gotten out of alignment, and she didn't feel like drinking.

Only reason had nothing to do with it. By the time the crew had rolled back to Serenity, Wash had christened the dining room table, Simon's medical bed, and they'd ended up climbing out of the EVA hatch on top of the Firefly to make love under the stars. _Always did have a good recovery rate, husband. Just can't recover from everything, I guess._

So the days weren't bad. But the nights …

_No days on board this boat,_ she reminded herself. _That's the trouble._ _It's always night._

Mal wanted to help her, she knew that. It was the reason she tried to keep out of his way. His understanding, his sympathy, were too close to pity. Pity, all tied up with guilt in a big red ribbon. _It's not your fault, Mal_. She only ever called him Mal in her thoughts, hardly ever in person. _You didn't fire that harpoon._ Still, she knew there was no point. Nothing she was going to say would make any difference to him. Not a man who still carried the remorse for all the men who died at Serenity Valley.

It didn't stop her blaming him. _We all agreed. All said it was what should be done. But he's captain. Who was gonna say no to him? If he hadn't wanted to be a hero, maybe … maybe …_ _Except it wasn't about that. It was about doing the right thing. You always wanted to do the right thing, Wash. The voice of conscience on board. Why did it have to kill you?_

She turned over onto her side, looking at the emptiness next to her. She still couldn't sleep there, not on his bit of the bed. Right from the first moment they'd fallen onto it, tearing at each other's clothes, unable to keep their hands off each other for one more second, that had been his. Lying at her left.

_You joked about it. Said it was something natural, keeping my gun hand free. 'Cept the way you kept wrapping me up in you, my hands were never free. Nor my heart. Why did you creep into me?_

_I should've kept you at arms length. Made my feelings clear to Mal, told him I didn't want you on board. Instead I let him be the boss, and you moved into that bunk. Kept on at me. Then didn't. Tried to kiss me then pushed me to arm's length. The most infuriating man I ever met. The one I wanted a baby with. Wash …_

_When does it get to be only the best times I remember? Why does it always come back to that moment, when it all ended? Why'd you damn well leave me, Wash? I could've gone with you, kept you company, but you didn't let me. None of you let me._

_When does your scent go from the bed, Wash? What will I do when it does?_

Tears rolled down into her hair, staining the pillow slip. She hugged herself, feeling the ache inside growing to consume her.

The sound of the hatch opening made her sit up, wiping her face angrily. _Thought I'd locked it._

"Zoe?" Jayne's tentative voice growled down the ladder.

"What?"

"Mal say's we're about ready to land. Only he wants to know if'n you're planning to take root down there."

"I'm coming."

"'Kay." He didn't sound convinced, and a moment later his big boots descended the rungs.

"Get out, Jayne," Zoe said, standing up and turning away, wanting time to make herself look better, to present that calm to the 'verse that had been lacking of late.

"You okay?" the mercenary asked. "Only you ain't exactly been talkative the past few."

"Got nothing to say."

"That ain't the truth of it."

"And you'd know?"

"You ain't the only one lost someone here, Zoe."

She turned on his, her hands in fists. "I _lost_ a husband, Jayne!"

"'N' we lost a friend." His voice was almost gentle. "Not that I liked him that much, but … hell, he saved our lives more'n a couple." He gazed at her, his blue eyes thoughtful. "Not saying that's the way he'd'a liked to've gone … reckon that would've been in your bed, maybe seventy years down the line. But he saved us, Zo. 'N' that's worth something in my book."

Zoe stared at him. "Jayne …"

The man shook himself. "Anyways, Mal says to get your ass up here so we can get to work." He climbed the ladder swiftly, the sound of his boots echoing away.

_I thought they'd forgotten. They don't talk about you, Wash. Shy away from any subject where your name might come up. I thought they didn't care any more._ She bent down to pick up the toy dinosaur from the floor. _If that man can miss you … Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they're hurting almost as much as me._

She placed the T-Rex on the table by the bed. _Her_ bed. _Maybe we should talk about you. Remember the good times, the laughter …_ Her eyes fell on the Hawaiian shirt she couldn't bear to throw away.

_Maybe_.

Strapping her gun to her leg, she climbed the ladder, leaving the scent of Wash behind.


	4. Kaylee

Kaylee stood on the catwalk outside shuttle one and watched the hover skim out of the cargo bay into the bright sunshine of Boros. She glanced down … Simon was staring after them. She sighed. Still worrying about the Cap taking his sister on jobs, even though she'd proved herself more'n capable, even since Miranda.

_Miranda. Lost two of my best friends. I miss 'em so much. Wash more'n the Preacher, I admit, but … it still hurts. When does it stop hurting?_

"Kaylee?" Inara stepped elegantly to her side. "Have they gone?"

"Just now."

"He's still not happy."

"What?" Kaylee realised her friend was looking down. "Oh, Simon. No. He argued with the Cap again, but it don't make no difference. Don't know why he tries."

"Because he's Simon. And he worries about his sister."

"Yeah, I know." She tried not to sound resentful.

"Ah."

Kaylee turned on her. "Ah … what?"

"Nothing. Just a simple exhalation of breath."

"I ain't jealous."

"No, of course not." Inara's voice was soothing, placatory.

"'Nara, we've only been together a few months, and … I just …"

"Get anxious."

"No. Well, yeah, but the trouble is he's getting anxious enough for the both of us."

"River's getting better. Since Miranda, she's … improving."

"Little bit."

"A lot. And Simon will get to realise that."

Kaylee sighed. _Ain't like he's not in my bed at night. Or odd times during the day, come to that. It's just …_

"I miss my happy Kaylee," Inara said, hugging her friend.

"She ain't gone," Kaylee insisted, wrapping her arms around the other woman, breathing in the Freesia scent she was wearing. "Just maybe a bit lost."

"I think we all are, honey."

Kaylee let go, and wiped her nose on her sleeve. "So, how'd your talk with the Cap go?"

Inara smiled. "He fell asleep."

Kaylee's jaw would have fallen to her knees if it could. "You mean you …"

"No." Inara sighed. "He just fell asleep. On my couch. Fully dressed."

"Oh." Kaylee shook her head. "You know, that man's his own worst enemy."

"Really? I thought that was Niska. Or possibly the Alliance. Or even –"

Kaylee grinned. "Yeah, well, he does have the skill at making people less than friends, don't he?"

"I think that's probably putting it mildly." Inara smiled. "But I think … just maybe …"

"You're gonna talk some more?"

"I hope so."

"And not argue?"

"We don't always argue."

"No, guess not. But then I s'pose you have to sleep sometime. Although not together."

Inara laughed, and it warmed the mechanic through. "We have been known to go a whole day without actually sniping at each other."

"A whole day. That long."

"I'm trying, Kaylee," Inara admitted, her face suddenly much more serious. "There are things I know we need to get out into the open, to really talk to each other, but … I'm scared."

"You think he's gonna throw you off the boat?"

"I think he's as scared as I am, but … no. It wouldn't go that far. But I can't …"

"Don't even think about leaving. Or else me and Simon'll come and drag you back."

"Oh, I'm not leaving, Kaylee. Not this time." She stood straight, her posture even more upright than usual. "And he's going to have to listen."

Kaylee grinned. "Good." She lowered her voice. "You gonna be selling tickets?"

"If I do, you'll be the first to know." Inara smiled and put her hand on Kaylee's shoulder before heading back towards her shuttle.

Kaylee watched her walk away, wishing yet again she had that poise, how she made being elegant so effortless. She looked down at her coveralls. _Ain't me. Kinda wonder what Simon sees in me sometimes. I mean, he's so swai, so …_ Her mind skittered to the night before, when he undressed her, laying her down on the bed. _Don't seem to matter when we're naked. When there ain't nothing between us, not even air. Then I'm what he wants._ She sighed. _Just don't really know why._

She sighed again, then saw Simon look up at her, as if he'd heard her this time.

"Are you all right?" he asked, his strong features making her go weak at the knees again.

"Shiny," she called. "They won't be long."

"No, I know." He smiled, and she felt her insides melt.

"Though might be long enough," she suggested.

"Kaywinnet Lee Frye, are you –"

"No, not really." She giggled. "I kinda got work to do. But if you want to come and give me a hand …"

He took one more glance out of the cargo bay doors, then grinned back up at her. "I'm not much good at machinery," he admitted.

"But you got such good hands. I can teach you." She started towards her engine room, hearing him follow her. _Not that you need to learn much from me,_ she thought, her sunny disposition returning._ Not with hands like that …_


	5. Simon

Simon watched the hover slide out into the sunlight, and held his anger in check. _Why won't he listen? He doesn't have responsibility for River. I do. She's my sister. I left everything for her, all that I'd worked for, but he can't see that. Just that she's … useful._

He still felt anxious every time Mal took her on a job. From the first time, when they were on Lilac, right to now, he worried about her. _She's my sister, and I'm right to worry._ He sighed. Except that it wasn't just that.

_I'll be eighteen in a few months_, that's what she'd said. _A woman._

He'd been firm with her. _You're not a woman, River. You're a girl._

She'd stuck her tongue out at him and flounced away. It didn't matter that she was learning to fly Serenity so well that Mal was considering letting her do it alone now. _She's my sister._

A noise up and behind him made him take a slow breath. Kaylee and Inara. He knew they were watching him, could feel their eyes on his back. _Why did I let myself fall for her? What was it that finally made me tell her how I've felt for so long? Oh, yes, Reavers._

They were talking. Their hushed tones reached him, and he was sure he heard Kaylee sigh. _I'd know that sound anywhere. She's done it so much when I'm being … me. Just how long can a man live with his foot in his mouth? Maybe there's some research on the Cortex about it …_

He turned and looked up. Inara had gone, and only Kaylee remained, gazing down at him. "Are you all right?"

"Shiny," she said, her beautiful face finding its cheery visage from somewhere. "They won't be long."

"No, I know." _As long as Mal doesn't do anything stupid, like putting my sister at risk._

"Though might be long enough."

_What is she suggesting? No, best not think of … damn. _"Kaywinnet Lee Frye, are you –"

"No, not really." She giggled and his heart flipped. "I kinda got work to do. But if you want to come and give me a hand …"

He glanced into the sunshine. _River … _He grinned back up at her. "I'm not much good at machinery." _Unless it's using an extractor. Does that count as machinery? Like when I was operating on her, trying to keep the scar to a minimum in that lovely flesh. He told me she was dead, the psychotic …_

"But you got such good hands. I can teach you." There was a seductive tone in her voice, and he knew she wasn't talking about the compression coil.

"I … suppose you could." He was remembering his hands on her last night, caressing and pinching, teasing her until she'd begged for release. _I've never known anyone like her. How she makes me feel._

"Better change, though," she said. "Don't wanna get your fine clothes all greasy."

_Maybe we could do it naked. _"I'm sure I can find something suitable."

"Yeah, that'd be appropriate."

Her hair was catching a reflection from somewhere, and it was glowing around her like a halo. _An angel. Saving me from myself._ "Are you ever going to let me forget that?"

"Nope." She laughed, and her hair swung. "I could always lend ya a pair of my coveralls."

"I don't think I could get into them." _Not right now, anyway. Not with … why does the human body betray itself so easily? The heart pumping, sending blood through veins and arteries, filling …_

"We could try." Her eyes twinkled. He could see them from where he was.

_I'd rather be taking them off you. Laying you out on the bed like some supplicant, waiting for me to anoint you with my body. Only it tends to be the other way around._ He smiled, swallowing a little thickly. "I think I've got something. Five minutes?"

She nodded. "Five. I'll be looking after my girl." She turned, a light skip in her step that had been missing for a long while.

He sighed. _How did I get someone like her? What God did I make the right sacrifice to? How can I tell her what she means to me? Without doing it wrong again?_ He walked back towards his room, his pants a little tighter than they had been. _They've all gone. It's only Inara here, and she's in her shuttle. We'd hear them come back from the engine room, give us time to … I wonder if …_ His pace quickened.


	6. Jayne

_Moonbrain's close again. Not sure about this._ Jayne settled the grenades around his chest a little more securely. It didn't matter if Mal wasn't going to invade a small town. He wasn't going on any jobs no more without 'em._ Be crazy to. Crazy like that girl there. She's got her eyes closed. Wonder what she's thinking about?_

River's eyes slammed open and she turned to stare at him.

_Gorramit it._

She smiled and turned back to face into the sun, her lashes once more on her cheek.

_Don't mind if she did gut a whole room full o' Reavers. Saved our skins, that's for sure. But she still ain't all there._

He moved in his seat enough so that most of his back was to her. This meant he was staring at the rocks and boulders zipping past, but it was a better view as far as he was concerned. He glanced into the front seat. Zoe was upright, as always, her hair tossing in the moving air.

_Thought she was gonna kill me. If'n she'd had that gun in her hands, I think she would've just fired. Made a mess, that's for sure. Only someone had to say something. And the Cap's pussy-footin' around her like she's made outta glass or something. That ain't the way. Not with someone like her. She needs … well, I'd be at the nearest whorehouse soon as I could drag my sorry ass outta the bunk. But I guess she's a woman, and maybe they don't do that._

He sighed, his breath whipped away on the wind.

_Guess it's to be expected. They been married a while, so … don't kiss 'em on the mouth, let alone marry 'em. Can't see me with a wife and kids tied to my feet. Ain't me. This job better go smooth, though. Ain't got no coin to speak of, and I feel the urge somethin' fierce. _

He lifted himself up, easing the tightness in his groin.

_Maybe call in at old Olive's place if I can get the Cap to stop by. Been a month o' Sundays since my John Thomas did more'n get lively in my pants …_

She was looking at him again, he could tell. Eyes boring into his back, as if she could see through his combat jacket, his skin, into his heart.

_Ain't nothing there, girlie, just nothing at all. Don't get your hopes up. Wouldn't bed you if you was the last woman around._ His mind saw her, lying on his bed, the guns lined up next to her, her body taut, expectant. He grinned. _Try that for size._

Zoe had pointed towards a low graze of buildings on the horizon. Town was coming up, and they were about to get rich.

_Well, less poor. Think she's wearing her armour. Good. Mal'd kill her if she went and got dead on us. She needs to talk. Not to me. Ain't listening to a woman get all weepy, even if it is her. But it ain't good for her to be mopin' in her bunk. Thinks we ain't sentimental over him. I ain't, but … man did good. 'N' that kinda flying … he did good._

_She needs to talk. Book'd know what to say to her. How to …_ He pulled a cigar from his jacket. At this speed there was no way he was going to be able to light it, but at least he could chew it. _These are good ones, Preacher. Paid more'n I would, but I knew they'd be good. You'd'a liked 'em. If'n we head back, I'll save ya one, put it by the marker. Case you come over all needful in the afterlife and want to have a smoke._

_Always thought I'd go first. Coupla bullets, maybe a knife in the ribs … never thought I'd see ya lying dead in Mal's arms. Was right you killed the ship that killed you. Still, I'd'a rather you not be dead at all. Ain't got no-one to spot me now, to argue about where I'll end up one day. Can't help feeling it ain't gonna be where you are, but you put in a good word for me, dong mah?_

The buildings were coming up fast, and his hands automatically checked his weapons.

_Guns, grenades, knife. Yeah, guess I'm ready._


	7. River

River sat in the hover, the wind blowing her hair around her face, and felt happy. She could concentrate on just that, and everything else muted into the background. She could tell what they were thinking about, though, their thoughts washing over her like the breeze.

_Inara wants to talk. That's good. Or is it bad? Maybe she's going to say she's leaving again. But she kissed me. That's good. Come on, Malcolm. You gotta keep your mind on the job._

_I don't want to die. Maybe I did, but … Wash would never forgive me if I did. I wanted his children, but that's not going to happen now. I wish … I wish …_

_Moonbrain's close again. Not sure about this. Damn, the grenades is rubbing. Gonna have to do something about that. But ain't leavin' 'em behind no more, don't care what the Cap says. Be crazy to. Crazy like that girl there. She's got her eyes closed. Wonder what she's thinking about?_

She opened her eyes and looked at him, then smiled. He flinched slightly.

_Maybe we should have that tea when I get back. We'll have coin. Maybe I should take her out somewhere. Someplace nice. Someplace … away._

_I wish I could talk to the Shepherd. He'd know what to say. Not that he could make me feel better, but … it hurts still. What'll I do when it stops?_

_She's pretty, I'll give ya that. If'n she tied that hair back. Falling in her face all the time. Like she's not letting anyone see her. Not that … hell, I need some trim. Maybe call in at old Olive's place if I can get the Cap to stop by. Been a month o' Sundays since my John Thomas did more'n get lively in my pants …_

And further away, back in Serenity, there were other thoughts, other wishes and fears.

_I love him. I want to tell him, so badly, that I love him. Why can't I? Why can't I just say the words? I see it in him, I see the desire plain as if he were speaking, but he doesn't … We've danced around each other for so long, I don't know if we can change the steps._

_He's so suai. Every time he touches me, I go kinda weak. Even just standing there, staring at that regulator as if it's gonna jump up and bite him, he makes me wanna just hug him. Does he feel the same? I ain't sure._

_She's watching me again. I can feel her eyes on me, and it's … how could I ever want to be back in that hospital, dealing with all those sick people, when I can be out here, with her?_

She shook her head. He was such a boob.

_I've seen him happy and sad, in pain and in pleasure. But I want it to be our pleasure. If I told him, would he listen? Do I have to spell it out to him? Can't he be intelligent for once?_

_So much I wanna say. Ain't said I love him, but it's been close a coupla times. When he's made me come, touched me 'til I fall screaming from the sky to burst on the ground, that's when I wanna tell him, but I can't. What if he don't feel the same?_

_I love her. I have to tell her. I have to say the words, not just in my actions, but by actually opening my mouth and speaking. River will understand. She's so much better, and I'll still be here. But I have to tell her. Soon._

The hover was slowing, the crop of buildings coming up fast.

_Gotta concentrate, Malcolm. Ain't the time to be thinking on how she looked in that gown._

_I don't want to die. I want to live._

_Guns, grenades, knife. Yeah, guess I'm ready._

_Let him come back safely to me._

_Touch me again._

_I love you._

"Time," Mal said.


	8. Opening Doors

Inara felt … odd. Something was wrong. Perhaps it was just the feeling of Serenity sitting on the ground rather than flying through the black. But that wasn't unusual. Sometimes there were days when they were waiting for work, waiting for payment … just waiting. But this …

She pressed the com. "Kaylee, is there anything wrong?"

It took a moment for a flustered mechanic to answer. "No … no … nothing's wrong."

Inara smiled. "Then I'm sorry for interrupting you."

"Why'd you think there was?"

"Just a … it's nothing."

"Oh. Okay." Kaylee switched off the com and turned to Simon who was leaning against the engine housing, his chest naked. "Think she's okay?"

"Why wouldn't she be?" He reached for her but she danced away.

"Because it ain't usual for her to ask."

"I mean, if there was a problem with the job, they'd let us know, right?"

Kaylee paused in the doorway. "I guess."

He crossed his arms across his bare chest. "So why don't you come here?"

"Well, might be because you're a mite greasy."

"So are you. And it was your idea for me to take my shirt off so I wouldn't get it dirty."

"It's too fine to get all mucked up from Serenity's parts."

"How about if it gets all mucked from _your_ parts?" He smiled a little.

"Why, Doctor Tam, I don't know what you mean."

Suddenly he was all seriousness. Standing up straight he lowered his arms, and she could see a faint pink flush across his chest. "Kaylee, there's something I want to say. Something I've wanted to say for a long while, but I was afraid."

"You? Afraid?" She tried to make it a joke, but the words stuck in her throat. Was this it? The moment he was going to say he'd decided to take his sister and leave, go back to the Core where he belonged?

"Me. Afraid." He took one step towards her. "Kaylee, I care about you. And I'm terrified I'm going to say the wrong thing, put my foot firmly back in my mouth. You make my mind crazy, turn it all around, and the words seem to get mixed up. Remember Bessie?"

Kaylee's lips twitched. "You mean the alien in the jar?"

"There, in that room, I was trying to say the right thing, to show you how I felt, and I ruined it." He glanced down. "I do seem to do that a lot."

"Well, we kinda made up for that, 'n' all. What with the sexing."

His head lifted, and he was smiling. "You are so down to earth. That's what I love about you."

Her breath caught. "You …"

He ploughed straight on. "So I hope you understand that what I'm saying is the truth, even if I do mess it up occasionally, and make you mad at me." He gazed into her huge brown eyes. "Do you? Understand?"

"You ain't really said anything yet."

"Haven't I?" He grinned. "I suppose I haven't." He took her hands in his, and she could feel the smoothness of his palms, his fingers, and she felt embarrassed by the coarseness of her own skin. "Kaylee, you're …" He stopped, knowing he was about to do exactly what he'd already apologised for. Better to stick to the simple truth. "Kaylee, I love you."

"You … you do?"

"I think I have done for a long time. I just couldn't allow myself to feel it."

"You mean with your sister 'n' all."

"But she's getting better, and I think … I _know_ it's time for me to concentrate on what I want. And I want you." He tightened his grip on her hands. "And not just for the sexing."

"You love me?"

"I do."

A warmth filled her from the soles of her feet through to the top of her head. "You love me?"

He grinned. "If you like I'll borrow one of the shuttles and write it in the sky for you."

"You'd do that?"

"You'd have to teach me how to fly first, but … yes."

"Oh, Simon …" She stepped into his embrace, feeling the warmth of his skin against her, his arms around her. "I love you too."

His heart skipped and he sighed happily. "Well, that's good. I'd hate to say all of that and have you turn around and tell me you wanted Jayne instead of me."

The com stuttered into life, Jayne's voice crackling, startling them.

"Doc? Doc, get to the cargo bay, _mah shong_."

Simon stared at Kaylee for only a moment, then grabbed his shirt and ran from the engine room.

Inara heard the rough order in her shuttle, and hurried out onto the catwalk just as the hover mule surged up the ramp.

"We got wounded!" Jayne shouted as Zoe brought the hover to a stop. He was leaning over the back, his gun aimed behind them.

"Mal!" Inara screamed, seeing Serenity's captain lying across the back seat, his head in River's lap.

Simon was already running down the stairs, Kaylee at his heels.

"What happened?" the young man asked, climbing aboard.

"Idiot went and got hisself shot," the big man said, jumping from the vehicle and hitting the control button, closing the cargo bay doors.

"He saved your life, Jayne," Zoe said, her voice steady even if her skin was a little pale.

"Hell, didn't ask him to."

"I'll remember that next time," Mal ground out. His eyes fluttered open. "River, get us out of here."

The girl nodded, and lifted his head from her lap. He groaned.

"I'm sorry," the young psychic said, her brow furrowed. She could feel his pain, and it made her teeth ache. She jumped from the hover and ran up the stairs towards the bridge, her hair flying behind her.

Simon lifted the leather coat away from Mal's chest, blood and dust coating his shirt. "I need you in the infirmary right away."

"Ain't gonna argue with you on that." It hurt. Damn, it hurt like blue blazes. Why'd it have to hurt every time? Couldn't he get a free pass occasionally - something like, for every three wounds he got one that didn't gorram _hurt_? He closed his eyes again.

"Stay with me, Captain."

"Ain't goin' anywhere, doc."

Strong arms lifted him from the hover, and the pain blossomed into agony. He couldn't help crying out.

"Mal?"

He recognised the voice. "'Nara?"

"Inara, please," Simon said. "Jayne, quickly."

"Sure thing." The big man carried his burden easily, taking care as he strode through the doorway into the common area and into the infirmary. Gently, with more care than he'd ever admit to, he laid Mal down on the bed.

The Firefly vibrated as the engines started, and within a few seconds they were airborne.

Mal's eyes opened again. "Get the mule stowed, Jayne. Zoe, get the goods in the stash." His voice was weak, but he was still in command.

"On it, Mal," the mercenary said, hurrying out.

"Simon?" Zoe looked at the young doctor.

"You'd better do as he says, then come back. You can scrub in, assist me."

Zoe nodded, giving one last glance towards her captain. He was in good hands, she thought as she walked out of the infirmary.

"Is … is the Cap gonna be okay?" Kaylee asked.

"Simon's a good doctor," Zoe said softly. "He'll be fine." She smiled a little. "Hadn't you better get to your engine room? Make sure we don't fall out of the sky? We don't want to undo all the doctor's good work, do we?"

Kaylee managed a grin. "My girl don't fall out of the sky. Ain't like she's got a Capisson engine."

Zoe put a hand on her shoulder. "Simon'll have the Captain up and swearing at us before you know it."

"He's a good man."

"That he is." Just not a miracle worker, the thought ran unbidden through her mind. If he had been … "Go on, better get up there."

Kaylee nodded and scampered up the stairs, pausing only once to glance through the infirmary window to see Inara standing close to her captain.

"You're giving orders? At a time like this?" Inara was dumbfounded.

"Got a job to do." Mal shifted slightly on the bed, a groan forcing through his lips.

"Lie still," Simon ordered, injecting a hypo into his neck. "This will take the edge off, but I need to examine you."

"I got shot, doc."

"So I gathered." Simon unbuttoned the dirt-caked shirt, touching the skin around the still bleeding bullet hole. "Well, it doesn't look like it hit any major organs, but you've lost a fair amount of blood."

"Ain't the first time."

"No. Now you'll have another exciting scar to add to your collection."

"You getting snarky with me?"

"In here, I'm the boss," Simon said firmly. "And if I want to snark, then I shall."

"You growing a pair?" Mal managed a small smile.

"Seems like it."

"About time."

Simon busied himself with his equipment, getting it ready.

Inara took the opportunity to take Mal's hand in hers. "Why can't you just get out of the way?" she asked, letting her anxiety out as anger. "Why does it have to be you that gets hurt all the time?"

"Hey, I try to parcel it out somewhat," Mal said through gritted teeth, although the shot Simon had given him had eased the agony in his chest somewhat. "And it's been near three months since I got myself a little stabbed."

"Is this your way of getting out of talking? Some stupid excuse so you don't actually have to sit down and try to work things out between us?"

"Inara," Simon said warningly over his shoulder.

"It's okay, doc. It's just 'cause she loves me." Mal grinned.

"I … what would I want to love a … a scoundrel and a … a rogue like you for?"

"Not sure. 'Cause I'm so pretty?"

"Well, it certainly isn't because you're a master criminal."

"So it is 'cause I'm pretty."

"You're insufferable!"

"I don't exactly plan it, 'Nara. I don't wake up in the morning and think, yeah, time for me to go out and get myself shot. Or stabbed. Or any of the thousand little ways a man can die."

"It doesn't stop you though, does it?" She let go of his hand and he felt oddly lost. "I … I can't do it like this. Not every time. Not wait for you to come back hurt. Or not come back at all." A tear rolled down her cheek.

Mal felt a stab of something in his chest that hurt more than the bullet in him. "Are you … are you planning on leaving?"

"I'm … I'm planning on doing what's right." Her head went up, and there was determination in her eyes.

"And that's saying goodbye?" There was a lump in his throat that wouldn't go away.

"We have to change the dance, Mal."

"What?"

"You let me leave because you thought it was what I wanted. And you'd do the same now. You'd give me up because you believe it was the right thing to do."

"I don't -"

"Just listen, Mal. For once in your life, just listen." She took a deep breath. "We're going to argue. A lot. There are going to be times when I want to kill you, and you'll want me to go. But … this is it, Mal. I'm giving up being a Companion because it's the right thing to do."

"Inara?" Hope flared in his chest, killing the pain.

She stilled his lips with her finger. "I don't know if we can make this work. We've spent so long fighting, I don't know if we can make it love instead. But I'd like to try."

A grin flashed across his face, momentarily displacing the drawn look. "Hell, darlin', you kinda took the words outta my mouth."

"Then let me give you something back." She lowered her lips to his, just lightly, tenderly feeling his flesh on hers. After a moment she stood up. "Now, Simon has to get you back on your feet so we can talk some more."

"Talk?"

"Talk, Mal. If we're going to be more than just … friends, then we need to talk. Properly. Sitting down. Possibly with tea."

His lips twitched. "I can live with that."

"Just so long as you do." She kissed him once more, then hurried from the infirmary.

"Ready?" Simon asked, flushing the air from the hypo.

"Don't think I need that, doc," Mal said, still staring after her. "I'm kinda floating as it is."

"Oh, I think you do." The young man injected his captain in the neck. "With what I have to do, no amount of Inara will suffice."

"Think you're wrong about that, Simon. I really think you're wrong about …" His eyes closed and he slid into unconsciousness, a smile on his face.


	9. Tea

"I been thinking, Inara

"I been thinking, Inara." Mal eased himself down onto the satin sofa.

"Really. Is that a good idea? In your current condition?" She went through to the small galley. "Tea?"

"That sounds fine. Never did get the other cup you promised."

She smiled. "No, I don't think you did."

"And what has my current condition got to do with me thinking?"

"You were shot, Mal. It can make a man … introspective."

"You mean I've been led into considering my own mortality?"

"Something like that."

"Permaybehaps I have. But there's something else I've been thinking about too. And that's what you said."

Inara paused in the act of filling the kettle. "What I said?"

"About you giving up being a Companion." He'd heard the sudden silence, and knew she was listening intently. "Were you being honest, or were you thinking I was dying, and it didn't matter what you said?"

She walked slowly into the room, the kettle still in her hand. "I meant it," she said softly.

"Only you giving up whor … servicing folks don't mean I won't get shot any more."

"That wasn't what I meant. And you can call it whoring. If I haven't got used to it by now I never will."

"Sorry. Didn't mean to be disrespectful."

"It's an honourable profession, Mal."

"One which you said you'd give up. For me."

She sat down heavily on the sofa opposite him. "I did."

"Would you be regretting that now?"

"No. There are … reasons …"

"Like to share them with me?"

She swallowed and licked her lips. "Mal, I …"

"Come on, Inara. Am I that scary to talk to?"

"Oh, yes, horrible." She fell back onto humour like a drowning man clasping at a rope.

"Well, I guess I try harder." He smiled. "So tell me."

"I don't want to leave," she said in a rush.

"And I don't want you to go." He exhaled loudly. "There, that's got that out of the way."

"But if I stayed being a Companion I'd have to."

"Did I ask you to stop? Did I tell you?" He looked at her oddly. "'Cause if I did, I don't exactly remember."

"No, of course you didn't. That's not the point." She realised she still had hold of the kettle, and got up, going back to the galley. "Camomile or mint?"

"What?"

"Tea. Which would you prefer? Or I have some raspberry and lotus leaf, only that's a little old and I don't know how potent it is any –"

"'Nara." His one word, just the use of her name, cut through her.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Okay." She stepped into the room again. "Okay." Looking at him, noting the slight shadows under his eyes from the pain he was in, despite Simon's medication, she knew she had to tell the truth. "If I leave, I'll be worrying that you're hurting, that someone's finally managed to do what so many have tried, and killed you. I can't wait for Zoe or Jayne or … or even Kaylee to wave me and tell me you're dead. Nor can I stand around this boat and wait for them to come back with a corpse."

"Can't promise it ain't gonna happen," Mal pointed out gently. "Work like ours, accidents happen."

"I know. So I had to decide which I'd hate most." She paused, then continued, the words rushing out of her. "If I thought you died with my name on your lips, with me not being there to hold you, to comfort you, to make your last moments at least more bearable … I can't live with that."

"So it's okay if I die so long as you're there?"

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean …" She threw her hands up in exasperation. "Don't twist my words around!"

"You seem to be doing that enough your own self, honey," Mal said, his voice low, warm. "But I think I understand you."

"Do you?"

"If you stay a Companion, you'll leave Serenity. Which I, for one, would be more than sorry about. And if you leave, you'll be waiting for a wave to tell you I'm dead. And that would make life hell for you. If you stay, leaving the Guild though that entails, you'll at least have me between the jobs. That it?"

"Something like that," she admitted.

"Come here." When she didn't move, he patted the sofa and repeated, "Come here."

With ill grace, surprising in a woman with her training, she sat down next to him. "Am I crazy?" she asked quietly.

"Probably. Certainly for even considering getting yourself mixed up with the likes of me."

"We're not mixed up yet."

"Inara, you know how I feel. It ain't like I haven't worn my heart on my sleeve for a long while, and even though we've fought ourselves to a standstill, you know I … I care about you." He couldn't say it, not yet. Not quite yet. "And you know it still don't make sense. You staying here won't stop me getting hurt."

"It might. If you knew I was here to come back to."

"You think it might make me more … responsible?"

"Maybe you'll duck faster."

"If someone's coming at me with a blade -"

"Make Jayne walk in front."

"Ouch."

"Any perhaps you'll think twice about the kind of jobs you take on."

"We go where the work is."

"And there's all kinds of –" She stopped, biting her lip.

He looked at her and sighed, shaking his head slightly. "This ain't gonna be easy, is it?"

"No, I don't think it is."

"Still, might be something good at the end."

"There might."

"And at least I might actually get to sleep in a Companion's bed."

"An _ex_-Companion."

"Can't we get all sweaty before you actually resign?"

She was about to make a sharp rejoinder when she realised he was playing with her. "You wouldn't like that, Mal. And neither would I. I need to be free. And while I'm a Companion, everything I do is proscribed by the Guild."

"So no sex."

"No sex."

"Can we sleep together occasionally? You know, just hold hands?" He was teasing again.

"No."

"That ain't fair."

"Mal, I'm not even sure we can make this work. I'm not going to sleep with you until I know."

"Most folk don't wait that long."

"We're not most folk, Mal. We've known each other too long to be 'most folk'."

"Conjure you're right." He settled back and winced a little.

"Are you in pain?"

"Just a bit. I got shot." He grinned. "And I still ain't had that tea yet."

She stood up, smoothing the brocade of her dress. "You still haven't told me what you'd like." As his mouth opened she added quickly, "In the way of tea."

"Oh. Well, you got any of that Earl Grey?"

"Earl …" She was surprised. "I didn't know you liked that."

"I kinda got the taste a while back, during the war, when we were stationed at a place outside Pinchon. Our chaplain used to make it for us, every Sunday after service. Not really had it since."

"I think so." She smiled. "You've never really talked about that time."

"Not much to tell. People were trying to kill me a lot."

"Nothing changes then."

"Oh, I think it does." He smiled at her, and it was warm and inviting.

"Perhaps you're right." She turned away before her resolve wavered. "Earl Grey it is."


	10. Dinner

He took her to dinner. He was mostly healed, just a twinge now and again from the bullet Simon had dug out of him, and he insisted. Wore his best suit, the one they'd cheated Badger out of good money to buy, along with Kaylee's pink layer cake. Course, _she_ didn't wear anything like that. She was in some gold and black outfit that skimmed her body and made him think lewd thoughts. As they sat down in the main body of the restaurant, and he picked up the menu, he wondered what they would talk about.

He took her to dinner. She'd tried to tell him it wasn't necessary, that they could talk quite happily over tea in her shuttle, or coffee in the galley, but he ignored her. He booked a table at a place Simon recommended, and told her after the fact. She wanted to be angry with him, to tell him he didn't have the right to just announce they were going out, but then he'd winced as he stalked down the stairs, and she didn't have the heart to shout at him. She'd made some comment, just to keep things on an even keel, but she ached for him. But only because he was hurt, of course.

He looked at the menu, noting the prices next to food he couldn't even begin to pronounce, and mentally walked through the cash in his pocket. Maybe if he stuck to something simple, he wouldn't need to make a run for it. Not that she'd run anywhere. In those shoes it didn't look like she could walk, let alone break into a canter. Not that it stopped him wondering what her toes tasted like. Probably a lot better'n the stuff they served up on the plates here.

The restaurant wasn't as high class as many she'd been in, but she knew it was more than he could afford, and she wondered whether she should have made sure she had money on her. It should have occurred to her that he would want to bring her to a place she would feel comfortable in, even though he would feel out of place. For a moment her mind wandered to where he _did_ feel comfortable, to the rusty ship they called home, to the star-strewn night that stretched away to infinity, and she knew he would have bundled it up in a red ribbon for her if he could have. As that wasn't within his power, he'd brought her here.

He watched her surreptitiously, his head bent over the menu but his eyes lifted. She was deciding what to have, that much was evident, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. Didn't look like she should be doing that. Not a Companiony trick. Too much the woman he'd begun to see flashes of. Flashes that sent heat through him and made his dreams throb with the waking. Did she still wear that little red number in bed? He'd seen it just the once, a glimpse one morning as she moved around in her shuttle, not knowing the door was open. He'd knocked. Eventually.

He was watching her. Even if she hadn't caught him, looking at her under that fringe that had fallen over his forehead, she'd have known. She could feel his gaze, and it was warming her. She'd worn this dress because it was one of her favourites, something not too expensive, but that made her feel womanly, appealing.

He could see her skin. Above the top of the dress. Two soft mounds that moved as she breathed. He found his own lungs expanding in time, the rhythm taking him into world where there was just them. He'd stood back as they entered the restaurant, and he'd caught a fragment of perfume as she walked by him, her head erect, her bearing so absolute, and he wondered where she'd put the scent. Behind her ears? On her wrists, maybe? Or perhaps in a warmer, more intimate spot.

She wished he hadn't rushed her. Although that was her own fault. Her bed was piled high with dresses, each one discarded because of a minor fault, usually for displaying too much flesh. Or too little. Or too sophisticated. Maybe that was why she'd finally chosen this one. She'd never worn it with a client, she realised, and perhaps that was the point. But it meant she'd had to hurry with her finishing touches, and she'd forgotten her perfume. Not that he'd notice.

They looked up, caught in the moment as they gazed into each other's eyes, then she smiled.

"This was a mistake, wasn't it?" she said softly.

He swallowed. "Mistake?"

"Coming here."

He shrugged, relieved it was the restaurant and not himself she was unhappy with. "I kinda thought … some place away from Serenity … you might want to …" He pulled himself together. "If there's another place, somewhere maybe a bit more fancy –"

"I don't have to be anywhere else." She reached out and put her hand on his. "It doesn't matter where we are. It's you I want to be with."

"Really?" He looked like all his Christmases had come at once. Then his brows drew down – someone was threatening to take away the presents. "Only I know I ain't the kinda man you're used to …"

She laughed, a gentle sound that was natural, unforced, and tickled him from the soles of his feet all the way up. "I think I've got used to you. And this isn't necessary."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

He grinned at last. "You wanna get out of here? Go for a walk, maybe?"

"In these shoes?"

"You could … you know … take 'em off. If you wanted to," he added hurriedly.

"Take …"

"It's kinda fun, you know. Walking through grass with bare feet. And I saw a park just a little ways off."

"It's dark, you know," she pointed out.

His little boy grin flashed again. "All the better for folks not to be watching us," he said.

"And what might they be seeing?" she teased.

"Oh, just the most beautiful woman on the planet walking around with no shoes on."

Their eyes locked.

"You are incorrigible, Mal."

"Kinda hope so, Inara."

And he was right. It was fun.


	11. Breakfast

They sat on the bench until the edge of the sky was just the slightest bit lighter, and even his jacket around her shoulders didn't keep out the early morning cool.

"You okay?" he asked, feeling her shivering just a little under his arm.

"I think I'm getting stiff," she said.

"Ain't the only one," he joked. "Maybe you should walk around a bit. I mean, that's why we came, so you could walk in the grass."

"Mal, it's not …"

"Companiony?"

"Ladylike."

"You think I want a lady?"

"It's what I am."

"It ain't all you are." He took her hand. "Inara, there's more to you than meets the eye. And although those bits of you that do meet the eye are … well, pretty amazing, to tell the God's honest truth, there's depths I ain't even begun to plumb."

"You want to plumb my depths?" she teased.

"It's … been on my mind a while, yeah," he agreed.

"And exactly what form would this depth plumbing take?"

"I … er … ain't exactly got that figured yet."

"I thought you were Captain Malcolm Reynolds, and that he never did anything without a plan."

"Well, Miss Serra, allow me to let you in on a little secret," he said, ostentatiously looking around to make sure they weren't likely to be overheard before leaning closer. "I kinda wing it most of the time."

"No." She affected shock.

"Surely do. I've gotten so used to my plans never running smooth, I just make it up as I go along."

"Really." Her lips twitched. "And what do you think is likely to happen now?"

"I figure you're gonna take off those fancy shoes of yours and we'll go for a walk."

She looked at him in amusement for a moment, then leaned forward.

It was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen. If he got this much aroused by the sight of Inara undoing the delicate straps of her shoes and slipping them off her feet, what was he going to be like if she ever undressed in front of him? She wriggled her toes. No, that was sexier.

God, no, that. She'd stood up, her feet sinking into the soft grass, and the look on her face as it turned from scepticism to surprise to wonder … he felt the front of his pants tighten even more.

"Aren't you going to walk with me?" she asked, holding her dress up a little to the hem didn't get damp from the dew.

"Um, no, I … I think I'll be sitting here for a while." He swallowed, then waved his hand at her. "But you go on. Enjoy."

She smiled at him, obviously knowing exactly what was going through his mind, and it wasn't blood.  
That was heading much further south.

"If you think I'm going to wander around a park at this time of night, all alone …" She shook her head. "Come on. You too."

"'Nara -"

"Boots."

"You talk like that to your clients?"

"Only if they pay extra."

"Paid."

She smiled. "Yes. Paid. They won't be doing that anymore."

"So I get this for free? Being ordered around?"

"Free. Gratis. For nothing." She smiled wider. "Come on. I'm not going to be the only one making a fool of myself. Besides, when was the last time you walked barefoot off ship?"

"A while," he admitted.

"Come on, then." This time her voice was silky, persuasive.

"Well, if you insist." He leaned forward, groaning a little as the compression made his arousal all the more intense, and pulled off his boots. His socks quickly followed, and he was glad he'd made sure to have a pair that weren't holed. It felt odd, the night air on his bare feet.

She held out her hand. "Walk with me," she said.

He grasped her fingers in his, standing up, his boots in the other hand. "Where do you fancy going?"

"Well, we never did eat. Is there anywhere that does breakfast open?"

He shrugged. "Have to ask Simon about that. Only places I know around here are low down dirty bars."

"Do they do breakfast?"

"You wanna go there?" He was so surprised he didn't realise she'd led him out onto the grass.

"Why not? It's where you go."

"But you're -"

"Not just a lady, Mal," she said softly, pressing closer to him. "You've already said that. And if there's more to me than meets the eye, maybe this is it."

"But a bar … they kinda smell, you know."

"I have been in one or two. With you, as it happens. Only we always seemed to leave somewhat hastily."

He grinned. "Yeah, well, bars and fights seem to go together." Then he gathered his wits again. "But I ain't taking you in one of them. Not now. Not with you looking like that. And worse, me looking like this." He glanced down at his clothes. "I'd be a laughing stock."

"Then I suggest we go back to Serenity and I'll cook you something."

"Didn't think you could," he said, surprised.

"I have many talents, Mal." She ran a hand lightly down his groin, making his breath catch. "I may show you one day."

He gripped her wrist suddenly, stopping her touch. "Don't."

"What?"

"Don't. If that's just a Companion's trick, don't." He looked down into her eyes, dark wells in the morning air. "I don't want a Companion, 'Nara. I want you."

"It might be difficult to separate the two, Mal," she said softly.

"Maybe so. But I think this teasing is the side of you that's more Companion than Inara. Ain't it?"

She knew his eyes were blue, even though she couldn't see their colour. She knew there was passion in them, but tempered by something else. "But if I take all that away, what's left?"

"You. Inara Serra. Woman." He smiled a little, letting her go. "And that's more'n a man can honestly hope for."

"Do you?" she asked, her voice unlike her usual. "Hope for that?"

"'Nara, I want you. I want to take you, strip you naked and kiss you from now to Doomsday. But I ain't gonna. Not yet. Not 'til we know. 'Cause if I do that, I'm never gonna let you go again."

"You were the one wanting us to sleep together, when we talked before," she pointed out.

"Still do. But you were right. We need to be sure before that happens, 'cause if it does, it's gonna mean forever."

"Forever?"

"Ain't going into this half-cocked, Inara."

"And I wouldn't want you to." She slipped her hand through his arm. "Come on. I'm getting cold, and  
I'm hungry."

"Breakfast?"

"Breakfast."

"Okay." He took a pace, then stopped. "But first …"

He turned, taking hold of her face and lifting it to his, lowering his lips until they touched her in a delicate kiss that deepened, lengthened, her mouth opening, their tongues touching, caressing, tasting. She could feel his arousal still against her, and it was comforting.

Finally he let go, and she knew his eyes were sparkling. "You know, maybe I am hungry after all," he said, taking her hand and walking across the grass, the damp stems bending under their feet.


	12. Snacks

For the entire day after Mal and Inara walked back on board Serenity, very late – or possibly very early – after their dinner date Kaylee had kept quiet. She knew Inara had cooked breakfast: up early herself she came across the Companion …_ex_-Companion putting the last of the plates away. At least she assumed Inara had cooked. Mal wasn't known to willingly pick up a frying pan.

Kaylee had gone to speak, but Inara just smiled at her, closed the cupboard door and headed back to her shuttle. The mechanic noticed that the hem of her dress was stained, and her feet were bare. 'Nara never walked in bare feet …

Lunch had come and gone, then dinner, and still no mention was made by anyone about the date the night before. Laughter, some risqué jokes – mainly from Jayne – and halfway decent food made for a good mood that lingered after everyone headed for bed.

Most headed for bed. Kaylee took her time, shooing Simon downstairs to his room and promising to be there soon, making work in the galley until she was alone with Mal. She knew he'd be the last one out, doing his rounds as he called it, before turning all the lights off and going to bed.

She could tell he was looking at her, a slightly amused slant to his lips as she tidied the few pots of herbs they'd managed to obtain.

"Well, figure I'll be off to my blankets," he said at last, standing up and pushing his chair back. "'Less there's something you wanna say to me."

She turned, glaring at him as she crossed her arms. "Well?"

He copied her. "Well … what?"

"How did it go?"

"How did what go?"

"The date!"

He managed to look confused. "You mean me and Inara?"

"Course I do!"

"We went out. Basically, that's it. Don't think there's anything else to tell."

"And?"

"And what?"

"What happened?"

The smile that had threatened to blossom finally did. "We had a nice time. That's all."

"I don't believe that."

"Okay. Don't. But it's all you're gonna get from me."

"Cap'n –"

"What happened – _if_ anything happened – is between 'Nara and me. _Dong mah_?"

They stared at each other for a full twenty seconds.

"Cap'n, I love you, but you can be damn annoying sometimes!"

"Only sometimes, _mei-mei_? Guess I'd better try harder." He winked at her and walked away, back to his bunk. Not the shuttle, she noticed.

And now she was lying in bed, Simon snoring softly next to her, and she couldn't sleep.

Oh, they'd had a good time, that was obvious. And no-one said anything in case they broke the spell, caused whatever was going on to … well, stop going on. But it itched, like a healing wound, and she desperately wanted to pick the scab off it. 'Cept that might leave a scar, and there were enough of them around Serenity at the best of times.

She sighed. Then again, louder, only Simon didn't take the hint.

"You're no help," she muttered, sliding along to the end of the bed so she could get up. Being always the gentleman, Simon slept on the outside, but it made it difficult when she needed to get up to pee or something. Still, he'd gotten used to her occasional night-time meanderings, so he didn't wake.

Dragging on her robe she slid the door open, looking back once more just to see if he'd noticed, but he just rolled over into the warm space and snuggled down.

"Men." Kaylee shook her head and went silently up the stairs to the galley in the hope that a snack might help her sleep.

Someone else had a similar idea. Jayne was sitting at the table, his great boots on the wood, chair tipped at an unnatural angle. His hand was going rhythmically between a bag of protein crackers and his mouth, and for a moment Kaylee became fascinated by the movement.

"Can't sleep?" he asked at last, the motion stilled.

"Nope." She shook her head and hurried behind the counter.

"Too much sex?"

"'N' if it was you do you think I'd tell you?"

"Well, you were busting to ask the Cap and Inara if they'd got sweaty."

She glared at the back of his neck. "Just 'cause you tell all and sundry about your exploits don't mean everyone else is the same."

He glanced over his shoulder towards her. "He wouldn't 'fess up, huh?"

The glare intensified until he should have burst into flames, but he just smirked at her.

"No," she admitted.

The chair thudded to the ground and the big man stood up, stretching. He seemed to fill the room when he did that, as did the undefinable odour of Jayne.

"Ya wanna keep out of it," he said, yawning hugely.

"They're family."

"Don't mean you got the right."

"I just wanted to know!"

Jayne scratched his chest and hitched his pants a little higher. "Figure you oughtta leave 'em to it, Kaylee-girl. If Inara don't say anything either then she ain't gonna like you meddling where you ain't wanted. 'Sides, they're friendly. Didn't see 'em biting the heads off chickens, didya?"

"No, but –"

"Then no buts." He picked up his crackers. "Give it time. Either they'll end up spending a week getting groiny, or one of 'em'll shoot the other. Nothing we can go about it, 'cept wait and enjoy the show."

"Jayne, you're horrible."

"Yeah." He grinned. "But I ain't the one likely to get my nose bit off when I poke it somewhere." He ambled out of the galley.

Kaylee stood with her hands on her hips. Wasn't anyone interested? Didn't anyone feel the same need to know as she did? Didn't anyone else care?

"_Xiong can wang ba dan de biao zi_," she murmured.

"Sweetie, should you be saying things like that in the middle of the night?"

Kaylee jerked her head up. "'Nara."

The older woman smiled. "I couldn't sleep, so I thought a cup of tea might help. Join me?"

"Shiny."

Kaylee sat down, drawing the chair closer to the table, watching her friend's actions. Inara was so graceful there wasn't one movement out of place as she boiled the water, took bags from one of the drawers and brewed the tea. They didn't speak until she brought the cups over.

Sitting down and cradling her hands around the rough china, she smiled at Kaylee. "Well."

"Well."

"It was good."

Kaylee wrenched her neck lifting her head so fast from where she was blowing on her drink. "What?"

"You wanted to know. It was good. Better than good." She smiled, her dark hair falling in curvy tresses around her shoulders.

"Did you … have sex?" Kaylee asked, her throat tightening a little in anticipation.

"No." Inara smiled at the disappointed look. "But we're not going to."

"Not … Why?"

"Not until we're sure." Inara lifted her mug and delicately blew across the surface.

"Sure of what?"

"That's it what we both want."

"But you do. Right? I mean, you both want it?"

Inara laughed. Just a soft sound that made Kaylee's heart beat a little faster. "Oh, _mei-mei_, of course we do. But if we do make love, it's going to be for the right reasons, not just to fulfil some urge."

"But you want to."

"Very much." Inara sighed, as if the admitting of it made it that much more real. "I long to feel him next to me, touching me. When we kiss …"

"Fireworks?" Kaylee suggested.

"Supernovas," Inara corrected. "Great big ones, that blot out the sky."

Kaylee grinned. "That sounds pretty good."

"It is." She looked down into her tea, maybe looking for the future. "He wants more than just a fling. He wants … he said, if it happens it's going to be forever."

"And you?"

Inara nodded. "Me too. But he doesn't want the Companion, he wants me, and I don't know if there's enough left for that."

"Course there is!" Kaylee said stoutly. "Hell, ain't you been pussy footing around each other long enough to know that?"

"Oh, it's the real me that gets annoyed with him, I'll grant that. But the rest?"

"Maybe we ought to find it."

Inara smiled a little. "How? Any wonderful Inara-finding plans in that pretty head of yours?"

"You think I'm pretty?"

"Yes, and don't get sidetracked."

Kaylee grinned. "Oh, I got a few. Like maybe you and me should go shopping soon."

"Shopping? How's that going to help?"

"Can't hurt."

Inara laughed. "I suppose not. And you'll tell me when I'm being too … Companiony, won't you?"

"Sure I will." Kaylee yawned. "Hey, that tea works."

"And you haven't even tasted it. Miraculous."

"Sure is." The young woman stood up. "Better get to my bed."

"I'll finish this first."

"Don't go sitting up too late. Don't want bags under your eyes."

"Now that really wouldn't be Companiony," Inara giggled.

Kaylee smiled. "See? That ain't being a Companion. Sounding like that. You keep doing that, the Cap'll not be able to withstand your wiles."

"Wiles aren't going to come into it, Kaylee."

"No. Guess not." She put her untouched tea down the drain and left the cup on the side. "Forever, huh?"

"Forever."

"Sounds mighty fine to me. G'night." She waved vaguely and walked out of the galley.

"Sounds mighty fine to me too," Inara said softly, a smile playing across her lips.


	13. Mirror

Inara stared at herself in the mirror, and her hand, reaching for the small tin of foundation powder, stayed. No-one ever saw her without makeup, without the barrier of paint between her and them, covering the many imperfections that the instructors at the Training House had shown her.

The very small scar on her outer cheekbone where one of her classmates had been careless with the foil during a fencing lesson, the less-than-perfect skin tone across her jaw, the unevenness of her eyebrows … all of these and more she had taken care every morning to cover, to conceal, to correct.

And yet there _he_ was, saying he wanted to meet the real woman, the person not the Companion. If there was such a person.

Even Kaylee got by on just a swipe of lipstick, augmented by a healthy dose of engine grease. Of course, she did put more on when she was being taken out, but here, at home, she didn't need to …

Inara shook her head, and eyes unrimmed with kohl stared back at her.

-x-

Mal lifted his head from the small sink and picked up the shaving brush. Rubbing it briskly into the soap he applied the lather to his chin, whistling tunelessly, his mind concerned with the day's fortunes. Satisfied that his emerging bristles were sufficiently covered, he set the brush back down and picked up his cut throat razor.

He paused, his eyes meeting those of his reflection, and he smiled slightly. He'd always been clean-shaven … maybe it was time for a change.

Maybe he should grow a beard.

He recalled tales from Earth-that-was which told of ship's captains plying their trade on the oceans being partial to thick full facial hair, and the most they had to do every morning was take the scissors to it, trim it neatly.

His reflection grinned. Maybe not. For a week now he and Inara had been on good terms, and he knew she'd been doing her damnedest to not flirt, to not bat her eyelashes coquettishly and use her wiles. She'd even gone so far as to throw a bread roll at Jayne the evening before when he'd told a particularly rude story at dinner, and laughed when he threw it back.

No. No beard. Not unless she said she liked them.

He began to shave.

-x-

"You think they're getting closer?" Kaylee asked, stirring the porridge.

"Much closer and they'll be humping on the breakfast table," Jayne grunted, reaching past her for a bowl.

"Jayne!"

"Come on, it's fine already. And I'm starved. Had me a good night last night." He grinned at her and she felt her skin warm.

"Miss Lulubelle counting your coin as we speak?" Simon interjected.

"Worth every penny," the big man asserted, dumping a huge spoonful of oatmeal into his bowl and grabbing a spoon. He turned to go to his seat but the doctor's sister was in front of him, two spoons of her own in her hands.

"Charging to 300," she said softly. "Clear." She pressed the spoons against his chest.

He jerked slightly. "What the hell are you doing?" he demanded.

"Jayne's heart needs restarting," the young psychic murmured.

"_Mei-mei_, drop those in the sink," Simon advised. "No-one will want to use them now."

River didn't answer, but lifted one of the spoons to her mouth. Keeping her eyes on Jayne's face, she slid it between her lips, the top of her tongue just showing where she was licking the metal.

Jayne stared, an uncomfortableness at the back of his mind as if she was running barefoot through this thoughts again, and he pushed past her, going to sit at the table.

"Um, Jayne?" Kaylee said hesitantly.

"What? You gonna creep me out too?"

"No. Well, maybe. It's just … that's Wash's seat. Ain't nobody sat in that since … well, since then."

Jayne looked as if he was about to get back up, but just reached across the table for the sweetener. "All just chairs, little Kaylee. Ain't no ghosts here."

"Yeah, but Zoe -"

"Won't mind." The woman herself stepped down into the kitchen area. "Jayne's right."

"I am?"

"It's all just chairs."

Everyone stared.

Mal took that moment to step down behind her. "Everything okay?" he asked, feeling the dissipation of a slight atmosphere.

"Peachy, Cap," Kaylee said brightly. "Breakfast?"

"I believe that's what I'm here for." He watched her fill a bowl for him then hand it over. "Thank you, Kaylee."

"You're welcome. And … Cap?"

"What?"

In response the young woman pointed to a spot on her own face, on her left cheek. Mal felt his, found the tiny piece of toilet paper where he'd cut himself. "Thanks," he said, peeling it from his skin and rolling it into a little ball. "Mind on other things."

"Inara?" she asked mischievously.

"You just keep to your own love life, Kaylee," he advised, turning to the table, and almost walked into Inara. He hadn't heard her come up behind him.

"Do we _have_ a love life?" she asked, her eyes glowing.

"'Nara …" He stared. Her plainest clothes. No make-up. And her skin … so beautiful, so soft, so … real. "Is this you?" he asked, his voice only for her.

"I'm trying to find out," she admitted. She glanced down at her dress, smoothing it flat. "I'm not … I'm not sure there is a real me anymore."

He put his fingers under her perfect chin and lifted her face so he could look into her eyes, so much softer and more delicate without the aid of cosmetics. "Then do I get to choose?"

"Maybe." She smiled. "No. I will."

He grinned back. "That's better. Don't let me get away with too much."

"I won't."

"Although I kinda like this. You look … nice."

The way his blue eyes were twinkling, she knew this was the greatest compliment he had ever paid her, and she felt the blush rise up her skin.

Hell, never knew she blushed like that, Mal thought to himself.

"Just don't expect me to go out looking like this," she said, breaking eye contact as if she could read his thoughts as well as River.

He watched her round the end of the counter, smile at Kaylee, then dish herself up a bowl of oatmeal. Certainly did look to be an interesting day.


	14. Tears

"She's been crying near on an hour," Kaylee said softly.

"Then why haven't you gone in?" Simon asked.

The young woman looked hesitantly at the doorway to the shuttle. "I tried. She near bit my head off."

"Perhaps she needs a little time."

"Yeah, but … what if it's something important? Like she's ill, or something? Maybe you should go in."

"Thanks, but I quite like having my head where it is."

"Coward."

"Oh, absolutely. Particularly when it comes to women who are crying."

Kaylee looked up at him. "Didn't say that when I was crying yesterday."

The young doctor pulled her towards him. "That wasn't because you were upset. That was because I …" He whispered into her ear.

She blushed. "That'll do it every time," she admitted.

"I'll make a note of it in my journal."

Voices reached them from outside the cargo bay in the cool air of Beylix.

"…so I told her I'd have to put my finger on it to find out!" Jayne finished his tale as he walked up the ramp, guffawing in remembrance of it. The others followed.

"Jayne, that is …" Mal couldn't finish, couldn't find the right word to describe the five minutes of vulgarity the mercenary had just come out with.

"Funny?" the big man suggested.

"Actually, yeah." Mal had to smile. "But not when there's ladies present."

Zoe turned her gaze on him. "Then what am I?"

Mal backpedalled. "You're … you're first mate. You don't count. As a woman, I mean. No, I didn't … it's just –"

She took pity on him. "It doesn't matter," she said, heading for the bridge and River, to tell her to get underway. "I didn't understand what you were both laughing about anyway."

"I could explain," Jayne offered.

"I will never be that desperate," Zoe countered dryly, disappearing from view.

"We get paid?" Kaylee asked, leaning over the catwalk.

"That we did," Mal smiled, hefting a bag of coin from his pocket. "And not one gunshot or knife wound between us."

"Well, that makes a pleasant change," Simon said.

"Could be putting you out of business."

"Somehow I doubt that."

Mal gave him a glare, just to keep in practice. "So what're you two lovebirds doing up there? Nothing disgusting, I hope."

"Not so far," Kaylee said. "Only ..."

"Only what?"

"There's … something wrong with Inara."

Mal was up the stairs before she could blink. "Wrong? How wrong?"

"Listen."

He did as he was told, and heard crying coming from inside the shuttle. "What the hell did you say to her?" Mal demanded, glaring at Simon.

"Now, that ain't the way of it," Kaylee interrupted before the doctor could get all snarky. "I found her like that, and she won't … she ain't saying what the problem is. But it ain't Simon."

"Thank you, Kaylee," the young man said.

"You're welcome."

"So you don't know what's wrong." Something about the crying was tearing him up inside.

"Nope. I was just suggesting Simon might like to go and see, but I'm beginning to think it'd be better if it was someone higher up. You know, in charge, even."

Mal glared at her. "What makes you think she's likely to tell me if she won't speak to you?"

Kaylee shrugged. "Could try."

"Maybe Zoe'd be the best person. You know, woman to woman."

"You saying I ain't a woman?" Kaylee drew herself up to her full height, still barely reaching his chin.

Mal closed his eyes. "I ain't gonna win this, am I?"

"I doubt it," Simon put in. "We're men – I don't think we're designed to."

"Fine." He sighed and looked at the doorway. "If I'm not out in an hour, I'd like my ashes scattered round Badger's office."

"_Shr ah_, Captain," Kaylee agreed, rather more brightly than necessary.

Mal tugged his coat straight, and stepped into the shuttle.

"Go away!"

"Inara?" He peered into the semi-darkness.

"Go _away_!"

"I ain't going anywhere, x_in chang_. Not 'til I know what the … what's wrong." He closed on the bed, and the lump under a rather tatty-looking comforter. His brows furrowed – it didn't look like something Inara would touch with a branding iron, let alone snuggle under. Although snuggling wasn't quite what she was doing. Hiding was a better word. There wasn't one part of her visible.

"Nothing. Is. Wrong." Each word was punctuated by a sob or a sniffle. "Go away."

"Nope." He sat down on the edge, his hand hovering over what he thought was her hip, wondering whether to pat or stroke, but deciding on neither. "Far as I can recall, I'm captain around here. And in that capacity I intend for you to tell me what's happened." He waited for a moment, but there was no sign of compliance. "Are you sick? 'Cause Simon's not that far –"

"Not sick. Go away."

"Thought we'd agreed I wasn't gonna do that?"

Suddenly she threw back the comforter, sitting up and glaring at him. "_Qi kai_!"

"Saying it in Chinese ain't gonna make me, either." He studied her, her hair falling down around her shoulders, her eyes red, her face blotchy … He'd never seen her so beautiful. Still, self-preservation made him decide not to mention it. "So, you gonna be sensible?"

"I resigned!" She shouted the word so it rang from the shuttle's rafters.

"Right." He nodded. Waited for her to continue. Then he gave in. "And?"

"I resigned! Don't you understand? I'm not a Companion anymore." Tears welled in her eyes again, and she threw herself back onto the pillow.

"Thought that was the plan."

She mumbled something but he couldn't quite make it out.

"_Shah muh_?"

She lifted her head a little. "I said, it was, but I didn't know how I was going to feel!"

"How do you feel?" he asked softly.

"I don't know!" she wailed.

"O-kay." He lengthened the syllables, but reached into his pocket for his large white linen handkerchief. He held it out to her. "Wanna talk about it?"

"No." But she grabbed the hankie and blew her nose.

He sighed, but quietly. He really wanted this woman, more than he had any other, so that probably included all snotty and miserable too, as well as looking after her when she'd worked herself up into a state like this. But it still made him a little queasy. "I'm figuring that, in this case at least, _no_ probably means _yes_."

"What do I do now, Mal?" She looked at him, but the glare had gone. "If I'm not a Companion, what am I?"

"You're Inara." She went to speak, but he held up a hand. "And I know you think that ain't anything, but it's the most important thing there is." He reached forward, let that hand rest on her cheek, wiping away the tears. "I know what you've done, 'Nara. And I know why. And I am … well, I guess it scares me too, a little."

She sat up more, gathering her legs under her. "Scares you? How?"

He glanced down at his lap, then looked back into her eyes. "I ain't never had anyone give up their life for me before."

"I'm not dying."

"Really? The sound you were making, I think Kaylee was ordering her funeral weeds."

She half-smiled, and it warmed him through. "I'm not as bad as that."

"'Nara, they were polishing up the cortege on Osiris."

She giggled, somehow the most erotic sound he'd ever heard, even if she was almost hiccupping too. "Are not."

"Are too." He felt her leaning into his hand. "'Nara, you've made this sacrifice 'cause of me, and if you want to cry about it, go ahead. Get it out of your system, long as you need. But you just remember that it ain't gonna change _you_. You're still Inara Serra, the most beautiful woman in the 'verse. Even if you look all disgusting right now."

"Disgusting?" She went to scramble off the bed to look at herself in the mirror, but he stopped her, pulling her down into his lap.

"No. You ain't gonna repair this, cover it over like it never happened. It did. And I'm glad. I just wish I could show you what I'd give up for you."

She felt his warm arms around her, and the compulsion to paint away the ravages dissipated. She snuggled down into his chest. "What _would_ you give up?"

"What would you like?"

"Serenity?" She felt him tense. "No. I'm teasing, Mal." She looked into his eyes, so blue usually, but so dark right now in the dim light. "I wouldn't ask that."

"So you're gonna be the one on the high horse? Giving up your living for me, and I don't get to do the same for you?" He could feel her against his body, and it was so natural, so _right_.

"If you give up being shot for me, that's enough." She closed her eyes. "And maybe going out to bars quite so much."

"Bars?" He wriggled enough so he could see her face, see her smiling. "What's wrong with bars?"

"Nothing. Except every time you go into one you seem to get into a fight."

"Nah, that's not me. That's Jayne."

"You'll be telling me he leads you into whorehouses, too."

He rested his chin on the top of her head, stroking her hair away from her cheek. "Ain't never been, don't intend to start."

"Never?"

He quickly changed the subject. "So I give up going into bars with Jayne. I can do that."

"And the getting shot?"

"Best I can."

"That's okay then."

"That's it? You don't want anything else?"

"Oh, I want lots, Mal. But I think that's for another day." She yawned, and did the unthinkable – she didn't cover her mouth.

"Tired?"

"Mmn." She snuggled down a little closer, and he lay back on the pillow, taking her with him.

"Not surprised, after all that. Why don't you take a nap? I'll watch over you. Won't let anything happen to you."

"Promise?" Already her voice was thick with sleep.

"Promise."

"'S okay, then."

An hour later, as Kaylee had promised, she looked into the shuttle, ready to gather Mal's remains for the funeral pyre.

She grinned. Nah, this was better. And so sweet.

She turned around and left, closing the door as quietly as she could on the sleeping couple. Now, if they'd only been naked …


	15. Trip

"How the hell did you manage it, Inara?" Mal said, exasperation on his face.

"I didn't exactly do it on purpose," she snapped back, then winced as Simon tried to rotate her ankle. Then she did more than wince. "Ow!" she yelled, right in his ear, trying to pull away from him.

"Yes, you've broken it." Simon sighed, hoping to eventually regain his hearing.

"Broken?"

"Yes. I'll have to put your lower leg in plaster."

"No, there has to be –"

"Plaster. Now."

Mal crossed his arms. "And I'm still waiting to hear how you managed to do this, 'Nara."

"I tripped," Inara said through gritted teeth.

"Is this the kinda trip like the one you took after Saffron kissed me?"

She glared at him, but didn't speak.

"It weren't her fault, captain," Kaylee said quickly from the doorway to the infirmary. "It was mine."

"Yours?" Mal turned to look at her. "You two been arguing or something?"

"No. We went shopping."

His brows drew together. "Since when was that a dangerous occupation? 'Cept for the man, o'course, who always has to pay."

She crossed the threshold specifically to hit him on the arm. "I pay for myself." At Simon's glance she added quickly, "Mostly." Lifting her chin defiantly, she went on, "We were looking for clothes."

"So they leapt up and attacked Inara?"

Kaylee sighed. Sometimes men could be so dense. "No. We bought some stuff – quite a lot, as it happens. And we came back, and were carrying them up to 'Nara's shuttle when she tripped and …" She indicated the medbed. "… here we are."

"So that'd be why there's a mess of boxes in the cargo bay that ain't mine. Not 'less I went crazy and bought a whole load of stuff from Maison Chic?"

"I'll get 'em put away, don't you fret."

"I wasn't fretting, Kaylee. But I got a potential client coming in soon, and I don't exactly want to give him the wrong impression."

"Doing it now, captain." She gave a sloppy salute and ran out of the infirmary.

Simon had meanwhile prepped and injected a painkiller, and the agonised look on Inara's face had eased somewhat, but she still wasn't happy. "Go away, Mal." She glared at him.

"What did I do?" he asked. "Not like I pushed you down the stairs."

"You're thinking how stupid I am."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes you are. I can see it in your face."

"Then my face is lying."

"Do you know why we went shopping?"

"What?"

"Why we went shopping. Do you know what the reason was."

"I'm figuring you needed some more fancy doodads."

"No, it's so I could find something more to your taste!" Her voice was getting louder.

"Inara, try and lie still," Simon said, pressing his hands into her shoulders. "If your adrenaline levels rise much more they're going to counteract the painkiller and that -"

"More to my taste?" Mal stared at her, ignoring the young man. "What's my taste got to do with it?"

"You don't want the Companion!" She shouted at him then burst into tears.

"'Nara …" He stepped forward, not quite sure how this happened, but wanting to comfort her, stop her from breaking his heart like this.

"It's shock, Mal," Simon said quietly. "You'd better go while I plaster her leg."

"Doc, I -"

"I'll let you know when it's done."

"Cap, there's a guy in a fancy suit waiting for you in the cargo bay," Kaylee said, bouncing down the steps. "Says his name's Smith."

Mal grumbled under his breath, and turned to leave the infirmary.

"It's not like you don't lie here often enough," Inara yelled to his departing back, sobbing. "Bullet wounds, laser blasts …"

"Inara, do I have to sedate you?" Simon asked, his exasperation finally beginning to show through.

"Aw, honey, he didn't mean to upset you," Kaylee said, crossing to the bed and taking her friend's hand.

Inara sobbed louder.

-x-

Mr Smith had gone on his way, promising them cargo by dawn. If anything, the pile of boxes from Maison Chic seemed to have persuaded him that this wasn't just a rundown old Firefly, but that people of some distinction might reside here.

Mal watched him get into his expensive hover and leave them sitting in a cloud of dust, then he turned towards the infirmary. She was getting to him, that was clear. He'd had to concentrate on the business details, when what he really wanted to do was go shout at Inara. And … maybe hold her hand. Stop the pain. In fact, stop her from tripping in the first place.

He sighed. This was it. The very crux of the dilemma. The reason he disapproved of shipboard romances in the first place. His attention was divided. If that had been a standoff, someone determined to kill him and his, it could've gotten bloody because he was thinking with part of his brain about Inara. Another of his crew could've ended up lying next to her, blood on the floor. Worse, it could have been his.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. As much as he wanted her, wanted to take her into his bed and make her moan his name, wanted to wake up in the morning and see that face on the pillow next to his, there were problems. His problems, for sure, but he was the captain. His problems tended to affect the rest of his crew. And that could cause -

"Mal, she's ready to go back to her shuttle, if you'd like to take her." Simon leaned out of the doorway to the common area.

"She likely to let me?"

"She's calmed down a lot." The young man stepped through. "She _was_ in shock, Mal. I think it's the first time she's actually broken anything."

"Yeah, well, that would have an effect."

"And remember, she's not a Companion anymore."

Mal started. "She told you?"

"Everyone knows, Mal." Moving closer, Simon lowered his voice. "You have to understand what a Companion is."

"I know what they are, doctor."

"No, I don't think you do." He led Mal a little way further from the door. "Being a Companion is an amazingly selfish occupation. And now she's changing from that, and thinking of you."

"Selfish?" Mal shook his head. "Doc, they service people. Do what they're told -"

"Because they choose to. No-one makes a man or woman become a Companion. And their whole life is dedicated to fulfilling their contracts. Everything they do, or think, they gear towards being the best. Etiquette, deportment, hair … have you noticed how Inara doesn't eat much?"

"What?"

"When we have a meal together. She doesn't eat much."

"Well, compared to some of us, maybe not, but -"

"Because it has been ground into her from when she was a child that Companions aren't fat. They're beautiful because they're slim and dainty, and elegant because -"

"That's crazy. Thought we'd got past that."

"Not really. How would you feel if Inara put on weight?"

To give him credit Mal thought for a moment. "Wouldn't worry me, doc. Ain't how she looks."

"But it was. Originally," Simon pressed.

"Can't say she didn't look good, that first time I showed her round the shuttle. But -"

"She gave it up for you. Being that person of high esteem, no matter what you or anyone else thought of the job itself. Every Companion dreams of becoming House Priestess, and Inara was no different. She was selfishly heading towards that goal when she met you. And now she has chosen to change that life, to -"

"Doc, I know."

"I'm not sure you do. Because you have to change for her as well."

"And what if I'm thinking about her instead of _my _job, Simon? What if I get someone killed because my mind's on her and not on whether that guy with the gun's gonna fire or not?" He stepped closer. "What if I get _you_ killed?"

"Then I will be very pissed and come and haunt you."

"Doc, I understand what you're saying. She's given all this up to see if we have a future. And she's scared. Well, so am I."

"Scared that if this all falls apart, you'll be left with nothing?"

Mal's lips twitched, but there was no humour in his voice. "Doc, been left with nothing more'n a couple of times now. It ain't new to me."

"But you've never been in love before." Simon shook his head. "She's given up all this … frippery. And you have to give up something for her."

"Doc -"

"Give up thinking you have to do this by yourself. You're not alone, Mal. You haven't been for a long time. Zoe, Kaylee, me … even Jayne. What's wrong with having someone in your life?"

"Nothing! I just …" He stopped, looking at this man with his serious face, his youth, and realised age had nothing to do with insight. "I don't want to get anyone killed," he finished quietly.

"And you won't. And if you do -"

"Yeah, you'll come haunt me."

"That's a given, but I was going to say that having Inara in your life isn't going to change that. People die, Mal. No matter what we do."

Mal knew he was thinking about Wash, about Book, and maybe others in his past, and his own mind ran over the many men he'd been responsible for … "How'd you get to be so smart?" he asked wonderingly.

"Top three percent." Simon suddenly smiled. "And having a sister like mine helps."

Of course. It was like a bolt of realisation in Mal's mind. Simon had given everything up for River, dedicated himself to helping her, not letting anyone else in … until Kaylee. It had taken Miranda for him to see what he was missing, but they were finally together. And if he could do it … Mal straightened. "So she's ready to go back to the shuttle?"

"I suggested one of the passenger rooms but she declined."

"Bit your head off?"

"Can't you see the wound?" Simon smiled, touching his neck.

Mal dropped his head, pretending to study that area. "Thought that was a hickey."

Simon coloured a little. "Well, perhaps. Anyway, yes, Inara's ready."

"I'll take her up."

"Thanks."

Simon watched the captain head towards the infirmary, passing Kaylee on the way and touching her shoulder like he often did.

"You really think that?" Kaylee asked softly, crossing the bay. "That Inara's selfish?"

Simon looked into her dark, troubled eyes. "Honestly? No. But Mal needed something to hold onto."

She smiled slowly. "You mean you lied to him?"

"I didn't lie. I … stretched the truth." He took her into his arms. "They need each other."

"You're a good man."

"Not that good," he said, touching her lips with his. "I was actually thinking that, with Inara gone from the infirmary, I could take a break."

"A break?"

"I suddenly find myself feeling a little tired. And you look like you could do with a nap. Eventually." He ran his hand down her back to her buttocks.

Kaylee grinned. "Oh, not good at all."


	16. and Fall

"Ready?" Mal leaned in the doorway of the infirmary and smiled.

Inara, sitting on the bed with her legs over the side, looked up at him. "Sorry."

"What for?" He stepped inside.

"Shouting at you."

"Were you shouting? Thought we were having one of our usual light conversations."

"I was shouting. And I said some things that I … well, I regret."

"Like what?"

She dropped her head to stare at her hands. "That I thought you thought I was stupid."

"Now, I'm pretty sure I ain't never said that." He crossed to the bed, standing close enough to get a touch of her perfume.

"No, but I …" She shook her head. "You told me once I was very graceful. Well, I wasn't today."

"Hey, we all have our bad days. Mine tend to be when I get shot, but I'm more than grateful that wasn't the case here. A broken ankle's a helluva lot better'n getting bloody."

Her head shot up and she glared at him. "I should have been more careful!"

"Yes, you should. But these things happen. And I never said you were stupid. 'Cept maybe in your giving up everything for me." He held a hand up quickly. "And I'm grateful. Believe me when I say that. I know what it's cost you, and I … well, I _am_ grateful."

"Is that it?"

"Is what what?"

"Just grateful?"

"No, not just that. Of course not just that." He lifted a hand, touching her cheek, and she could feel the calluses on his fingers. "It's only … this is taking time. For me, 'Nara. I'm only just coming round to the realisation that I ain't alone any more."

She grasped at his fingers. "You haven't been for a long time."

"So I've been told. But it takes something bad to make you realise it."

They stayed silent for a long moment, memories of Wash and Book coming up between them, then Inara shook herself.

"Simon got those out for me." She pointed to a pair of crutches leaning against the counter. "If you can pass them to me …"

He leaned over and picked them up. "You mean you're not going to let me carry you?"

She stared at him. "Up those flights of stairs? You'd fall and break your neck. And probably mine."

"Then how about we just get you to a guest room?" He shook his head. "'Cause there ain't no way you're gonna be getting up those stairs either, not 'til you've had some practice using those things."

"A guest …" She was appalled. "But all my things, my clothes … my … everything's up in the shuttle, Mal."

"Then I'll bring 'em down. And if you don't like the idea of me seeing your fancy nether garments, I know Kaylee'll do it for you."

"I … that's not the point."

"Every single little bit of frippery is just a few yards away. We forget something, it's only the work of a minute to get it for you. And I know River'll be glad to help."

"I will," came the young girl's voice from outside in the common area.

"You listening in on other people's conversations?" Mal called.

"Everyone on this crew does it," she pointed out.

"You mean me."

"Of course."

"Don't."

"Spoilsport." She appeared in the doorway. "Just when things are getting back to normal …" She drifted away, shaking her head.

Mal glared after her then turned back to Inara. "So, come on. What's wrong with one of my perfectly good passenger dorms?"

"That's just it."

"What?"

"What you called it. 'Passenger dorms'. 'Guest rooms'. It makes me feel …" Her voice trailed off.

"Like you're not crew?" She nodded, and he was shocked to notice something like moisture in her eyes. "'Nara, when've I ever said –"

"I know!" she interrupted. "But you implied it once. When we were arguing over Saffron, and you …" She sniffed.

"I don't know," he said thoughtfully, shaking his head. "You barge into my life, taking over my shuttle – for less than I had intended at that, I might add – and generally lording it around the place –"

"I don't lord!" She looked most affronted.

He hid a smile. At least she didn't look like she was going to cry anymore. Hit him, maybe. But not cry. He couldn't take that. Might just end up weeping on her shoulder himself. "Well, no, okay. But you did gyp me out of a quarter of the rent."

"And I saved your life. Your liberty, anyway. More than once."

He had to agree. "Okay. Yeah, I'll give you that one." This time he let the smile show. "But that's it, don't you think? Only a member of my crew'd do that. And climb down into that disposal bin to get the Lassiter before Saffron did." A thought struck him, something he'd always wanted to know. "How'd you manage that without getting all … messy?"

She raised one eyebrow at him. "Talent."

"Figured maybe it was at that." He put his hand on her shoulder, feeling the softness of her skin through the clothes she wore, and telling his body to behave. "So, crew. 'Kay?"

"Okay."

"Then let's get you out of here, else Simon'll have my hide."

"Really?"

"I think he's got some idea of getting Kaylee alone in here."

"I thought they'd already done that."

Mal grimaced. "Don't. I walked in on … well, let's just say the young doc's pretty muscular. All over."

"Were you staring?"

"Had my eyes closed the whole time."

"So you know he's muscular … how?"

"I'm captain. I don't have to say."

"River's right. You _are_ a spoilsport."

He held out the crutches. "Come on," he said, a chuckle in his voice. "Let's get you someplace a bit more comfortable."

Trying to control what amounted to three legs, only one of which belonged to her, was surprisingly difficult, and Inara had to admit that Mal was right. There was no way she would have made it up the stairs, not without help and a great deal of luck. She was already panting when she reached the open doorway.

Mal kept a close eye on her as she negotiated the step, hopping in a rather ungainly fashion over the lip. He could see a slight sheen of perspiration on her top lip as she dropped onto the bed.

"See? Finest room in the 'verse," he said, trying to make her smile.

"I can see that." She sighed heavily.

Taking the crutches from her he placed them in the corner where they wouldn't fall, and turned back to her. "You'd better lie down."

"Is that an order?"

"Well, seeing as you're crew I could make it one. But at the moment, no, I'm just suggesting it."

"Then … okay." She went to lift her legs onto the bed, but the extra weight of the cast made her unsettled and she banged it on the frame. She whimpered.

Immediately he was there, gently raising her leg, turning her at the same time so she could lie down. "There now," he said, as if he was talking to a wild animal. "No need to take on so."

"I wasn't."

"I know." He smiled, the one that went all the way to his blue eyes, softening them. "You get some sleep, and I'll pop back –"

She reached out a hand. "Don't go!"

"What?"

"Don't go." She stared at herself as if her arm didn't belong to her, and dropped it back to her side. "I mean … what if I roll off the bed? Shouldn't there be someone to catch me?"

"Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?" he asked, his eyebrows twitching.

"I just … stay." She had given up trying to play the part, and just let out what she wanted. "I need you to stay, Mal. Even if it's only for a while. Here. With me." She patted the bed. "Please."

"Don't you think that might compromise you? You know, if someone happened to pass by and looked in."

"You could close the door."

"You think you're safe? Being alone with me? Here?"

"Mal …"

He grinned, looking like a little boy caught in a naughty act, and slid the door shut. "Anything else you'd like, Miss Serra?" he joked.

"Yes. You. Here." She moved over, leaving just enough room for him to lie down.

"Yes, ma'am." Unbuckling his gunbelt he laid it on the small dresser, then slid onto the bed. "You know, I may not be able to keep my hands off you."

"Then I'll scream."

"Really?"

"Probably not. But I don't think you'd get very far."

"Why? You wearing a chastity belt?"

"Yes. It's called a plaster cast and it's around my ankle." She looked down at her foot and sighed. "This is going to be embarrassing."

"Why?" He swung his legs up so he was lying against her, and settled back onto the pillow, one arm behind his head. The other automatically went around her shoulders, and she snuggled into his chest, as if she'd been doing it for years. "Just two friends, giving each other mutual comfort."

"Is that what this is?"

"'Nara, you already said I can't do anything else."

She glanced down his body, and smiled. "I get the feeling you'd like to."

He followed her eyes. "That's just … I'm a man," he explained, a faint pink tinge to his cheeks. "And you are a very beautiful woman. And that scent you're wearing … it makes me … Hell, I'm a man, Inara."

"I think I've got that. And I'm not wearing any perfume, Mal."

"You sure?" He leaned forward and sniffed. "'Cause it smells like … like cinnamon."

"I haven't got any perfume that smells of cinnamon."

"Really?" He took another deep breath. "Only it's like the buns my Ma used to make when I was a kid, on special occasions. Birthdays, Christmas and the like. Loved those buns."

"Honestly, I'm not wearing perfume."

"I'd'a sworn …" He shook his head. "So what did you buy?"

"_Sha muh_?"

"Today. At Maison Chic." He shook his head, unable to control the slight twitch of his lips. "And that surely must be something of a comedown, going to a place like that."

"Have you ever been inside one?"

"Hey, where'd you think I got that frock from when we were on Triumph? Think I borrowed it from Jayne?"

She paused for a moment to get the mental image that produced out of her mind. "There must have been some odd looks when you asked for a dress your size." She snuggled closer, unaware of the fact that her cast was rubbing his leg.

Not that he was going to move. Not now he had her right where he wanted her. Bruises he could live with. "Said it was a gift. For my mother. Said she was the same height, and around the same measurements as me."

"Did you try it on?" she asked. "Only I would have paid to see that."

"Sure I did. Paraded around the shop fancy as you please, seeing if it made me look fat," he lied blithely.

"You? Fat?" She shook her head. "I like your love-handles."

"My what?" He sat up, looking down at her. "You saying there's –"

She laughed, a soft sound that eased him amazingly. "No. I like a man with something to get hold of."

"Oh, you got that right," he said, laying back. "Definitely something to get hold of."

"I meant in the body area."

"So did I."

She pinched him. "You are incorrigible."

"'Fess up, Inara. That's why you love me." He was teasing, but as soon as that word left his lips he tensed up.

"I suppose it must be," she said quietly.

He waited for a moment, waiting to see if she made a joke, said something to change it, anything except lie there and accept it. Finally he gave in, not being able to take it any more. "So you love me?" he asked, an odd catch in his voice that threw his natural tone an octave higher. There was no response. "'Nara?"

He looked down at the woman in his arms and realised she'd fallen asleep. Her lashes were resting on her cheeks, and her mouth was slightly open, and she was most definitely asleep.

"Only I kinda wanted to know," he went on, barely whispering. "'Cause I realised a while back that I've fallen in love with you."

He sighed. Now if only he could say it when she was awake.


	17. Snakes

"Coward."

Mal looked up in surprise. Not many people called him a coward. Well, not them as expected to get away with it. He knew he'd rather run away from a fight occasionally, but … coward? He didn't think so.

"You had the chance to say, and you didn't." River drifted onto the bridge. "Back to square one."

"You think?" He turned in the chair and looked at her. "Figured we were at least on square five. Maybe six."

"Trying to go up the snakes, and down the ladders."

"Now you know I ain't that keen on snakes, darlin'."

"Call me that, but you won't say it to Inara." She sat down in the co-pilot's chair, lifting her long legs so her feet were on the seat.

"I do!" Mal blustered. "It's just … well … hell, girl, it's complicated."

"Saying 'I love you' isn't. It's three words. Three syllables. Eight letters. 19 billion molecules of air –"

"Nineteen?"

"I was rounding the figure."

"You know, you should really look to your own love life 'fore you get tangled up in mine."

"Don't have a love life," River sighed. "Except with one of Kaylee's –"

"No!" The word filled the bridge, and he tempered the grimace on his face with a short smile. "Don't need to know that, albatross."

"I keep wondering who to choose, but the list is too few to quantify."

"Choose?"

"You're taken, Wash is dead, Simon is … well, that would be disgusting."

"That's pretty certain." Her words suddenly made sense. "You thinking about Jayne?" His voice lifted an octave.

"Just thinking."

"Well … don't." He stood up, seeming to tower over her. "He ain't … River, there ain't no way in the seven hells that I'd let you … he's …"

River sighed again. "I know. I might have to go elsewhere. At least he'd know of a somewhere to recommend."

"You mean a …" Mal tried to breathe. "River, I'd take a wild leap at this and say you really better talk to someone about this."

"I'm talking to you."

"Yeah, but … I'm a man."

"Noticed that." She looked him up and down in a way that made him very nervous.

"I meant that you need to speak to a woman. Preferably someone with experience. And there's a few of those to choose from on this boat."

"They'll tell Simon."

"Not if you ask 'em not to. I mean, Inara's probably … well, she'd more'n likely got experience with … this kind of thing."

"She services women."

"That wasn't what I meant!"

"Don't want a woman anyway. Want a man."

Mal was rapidly coming to the end of his very tenuous grip on embarrassment. "River, you're still young. Being a … a virgin ain't such a bad thing. And when you meet the man you want to be with for the rest of your life, well, you can gift him something he's gonna treasure forever."

"Who said I was a virgin?" Her big eyes seemed to glow in the dim lighting, standing up so she was closer to him.

His mouth opened and closed. Twice. "Uh …"

She took pity on him. "I am. Never had a man. Never had him do the things you think about at night in your bed."

This time he blushed, a deep red that swept up his face. "River, please."

"You're loud. Everyone on this boat is loud. And it's all about sex." She sighed yet again. "How can I not think about it?" She shook her head sadly. "The only one not thinking about sex is Zoe, and she dreams about it. With Wash."

Mal felt himself nodding. "She's still grieving."

"For how long?"

"As long as it takes. I doubt she'll ever truly get over that man."

"Neither will I."

"You know, I've a notion none of us will."

River turned away from him, about to head off the bridge when she stopped. "Inara thinks about sex."

"Yeah, well, I guess she would. Having been a Companion and all."

"Not with them. With you."

Mal's eyebrows raised as if they had a life of their own. "Does she?"

"Remembers you in the desert. Naked. Proud. Wonders if she can make you prouder." A sly smile ran across her lips. "Wonders what you could do with that pride."

He'd had enough. "Did you come here just to make me all manner of uncomfortable?" he demanded.

She shrugged. "I was bored."

"So that means you can come and upset your captain like this?"

"Not upset." She leaned closer. "Inform."

"Yeah, well, if you ain't got nothing to do, I can find you something. Like cleaning out the septic vat."

"Not that bored."

His lips twitched. "No. Thought maybe you weren't."

She lifted her hand and cupped his cheek. "You need to shave."

"Shaved this morning." It was odd that the touch of her fingers didn't do anything more to him than show slight affection. Not like Inara's.

"Need to shave again." She pushed him lightly. "Now."

"River …"

"I'll pilot. And I promise not to run into anything."

"You mean like last time?"

"That was an accident." She pushed harder. "Shave."

He rubbed his hand over his chin. "It ain't that bad."

"Whisker burn." She sat down in the chair, swivelling it so she could stare out of the bridge window.

"Well, since I ain't got that close to anyone today, I'm not sure that matters."

"You might. And it hurts."

He stared at the back of her head, trying to get inside it, to see what she was thinking.

"Don't," she added softly. "It would hurt."

"Conjure it would." He smiled. "So you think it's worth me taking to the razor?"

"Better to climb the ladder than slide down the snake." She idly corrected a warning light.


	18. Ladders

She'd had enough. All this pussy-footing around, this shilly-shallying, this dancing about … enough was enough. Mal's hatch was open, and manoeuvring her cast much more easily now, she hobbled down the ladder.

"Do you love me?" she asked as she descended, more ungracefully than she would have cared. If she'd been thinking about things like that.

"What?" Mal looked up, surprise written across his face, cut-throat razor in one hand, cheek in the other. Then the surprise was replaced by pain. "Ow!" He clamped his fingers to the cut, feeling it sting with the lather.

"I'm sorry!" Inara said, clumping across the floor to him. "Do you need Simon? Let me look."

"It's fine, woman," he said, aware he'd made more of a fuss than a man should, particularly a man standing in his own bunk, with no shirt on. His suspenders dangled around his hips, and he hadn't gotten as far as putting his boots on either.

"Let me see." She gently pulled his hand away, examining the wound. "I think you'll live," she declared softly, relaxing a little.

"You think?" He dabbed at it, looking at the blood on his fingertips. "And what makes you come barging down into my bunk, yelling things, when a man has a blade in his hand? I coulda lost something really important!"

"Mal, you're shaving your face."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "I meant my nose. Or … or an ear, maybe. Lost one of them before, didn't much like it."

Her eyes travelled to the faint scar line. "Neither did I."

"So what were you so all-fire determined to come down … and …" He stopped. What she'd said finally penetrated. "Oh."

"It's been weeks, Mal. We've changed the steps, but we're still dancing about each other, and I … well, I don't know that I can carry on like this." She sat down heavily on the bed, still unmade. His personal scent filled her nostrils.

He carefully put the razor back on the shelf, and took a moment to wipe his face clean of soap. "That's kinda scary," he admitted.

"Scary?" She glared at him. "I come down here to ask you a perfectly simple and reasonable question, and you say it's scary?"

"Not the question." He smiled a little. Funny how he could say that now. "But the fact that you don't think we can carry on the way we're going."

"And you think we can?"

"Nope. Don't think it's be advisable. Prob'ly not doing your blood pressure much good." He crossed his arms. "So … you wanna ask me again?"

"You heard the first time."

"Just want to make sure I got it right."

The glare she gave him should have wilted him on the spot, but he just gazed solidly back. "Fine." Folding her hands in her lap, she raised her eyebrows slightly, looking calm and collected. "Do you love me?"

He didn't answer for a moment, just stood looking at her. Then he shook his head. "Big thing you're asking here, Inara."

"Not that big. It's just a question."

"Kinda think it's more than that. Kinda think it's forever."

"Isn't that what you wanted? Not just a quick thrust but something more?" She immediately regretted using that word, but it was out here now.

"Yeah, they're all fine and dandy, and I can't say I haven't had the occasional few myself, although maybe not so many as some." He looked at her rather pointedly.

"Yes, Mal, I've had a parade of men through my bed." She was getting annoyed, and beginning to wish she'd never started this. She stood up awkwardly, banging her cast on the metal of the bed. "Forget I said anything."

She started for the ladder, not looking at him, denying herself the opportunity to see the smirk that she just knew was on his face. Her hands on the cold metal, she began to pull herself up.

"'Nara." He was behind her, breathing in her ear. "Not gonna forget." His hands were on her waist, turning her around. He let go but leaned forward, and she was supremely aware of the heat of his body, the muscles that lay beneath his skin, the masculinity that was so very close.

"Then why won't you say?" She sounded almost like a child, wailing for a lost toy.

"Why won't you?" he countered, his breath moving the hair piled haphazardly on her head.

"Because … because …" The words caught in her throat.

"Scared?" he asked, moving closer, until she was sure he must be inside her clothes.

"Mal …" She closed her eyes, trying to pull together some of that Companion training for times like this. Only there were never supposed to be times like this.

"No. You look at me," he ordered, and without thinking she complied. "Told you about playing the coquette."

"I'm not playing, Mal," she admitted, her voice small. "I _am_ scared."

His lips curved sweetly. "Hell, darlin', so am I. 'Fraid if I say what you want me to say, I'll fall and never get back up."

"Would that be so bad?"

"Still wondering."

"Oh." She pushed at his chest, trying to move him away. "Then perhaps I should leave."

"Don't think you should. 'Cause I'm willing to give it a try."

Her eyes widened. "You … you are?"

"I love you, Inara." There. He'd said it. He'd finally said it and hadn't burst into flames.

"You do?" She felt like all the air had been sucked from her body, and her knees threatened to give way.

"I do." He put his hands on her waist, holding her up. "Known for a while, just … hadn't got the courage to say it."

"The hero of Serenity Valley?"

"Ain't a hero, 'Nara. No such thing. Just men doing what they have to." He stood still for a moment. "You gonna make me be on the losing side this time too?"

Her hands, still on his skin, felt his heart pounding as if he'd run a mile. "Mal …"

"'Nara, say it. For God's sake, say it." He was pleading, begging for his life here.

"I thought you didn't believe anymore."

"'Nara …"

"I love you, Mal."

Neither of them moved, just stood, their breaths mingling, until Mal leaned just that inch further and pressed his lips onto hers. They'd kissed before, quite a bit recently, but this was different. This was like a kiss from the other side, knowing how they each felt about each other, and it was world shattering.

After a long while they came up for air, and Mal smiled. "Good," he said, lifting a hand to run his fingers across her cheek. "Sounds shiny, hearing you say that."

"I mean it, Mal." She moulded against him, pressing into his chest, inhaling the scent of soap and leather, with just a hint of gunpowder. And more than a dash of something else. Something far more arousing.

"Glad of that." His free hand moved up to her breast, running his finger across her nipple and watching her eyes widen. "That cast … does it get in the way?"

She pinched him. "Is that why you said that? Just so you can have your wicked way with me?"

"Of course." He felt her stiffen. "'Nara, just 'cause I love you, doesn't mean I ain't gonna play no more."

"So we're still going to snipe at each other?" Her right hand was moving achingly slowly down his chest, towards something that was rapidly hardening between them, even as her heart lifted as he said those words again.

"Conjure we might."

"So I can call you a petty thief?"

"Rather you didn't."

"I'll let you call me whore occasionally."

"Oh?" His eyebrows raised, even as his mouth was exploring the dip above her collar bone.

"When we're naked."

He smiled, and she felt it against her skin. "We planning on getting naked?"

"Well, we've got to see if this cast hinders matters." She pressed against him, eliciting a groan even as he licked her flesh.

"'Cause I don't think I can wait 'til Simon takes the damn thing off."

"And you think I can?" Her fingers had reached their target, and another groan was joined by an intake of breath.

"You keep doing that, and I think we're gonna find out."

She kept doing it. And they found out.


End file.
